....exactly 4 min after writing the previous entry...
....I received a text letting me know I'm the object of fantasy and a mental image of me is used while masturbation....
.......I'm gonna vomit now.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
I'm F**K'n Tired of you.......
You know that friend that's:
1) Clingy
2) needs attention all the fucking time
3) makes you un'comfortable
4) appears to be blind and deaf at the same time
5) acts like Jessica simpson
6) can't clearly see their over stepping them selves
........
.....
......First off lemme state I'm not an angel.
...secondly I guess I have been guilty of 1 or 2 of those things once or twice in my life..but never like a crazy stalker!!!....butttttt this is about it being done 2 me...and more friends are doing it to me every day...
...if we just started texting last week thursday....and had one phone convo friday night, don't tell me that I'm
1) fuckin sexxy (cause u don't know that for sure)
That I'm
2) perfect (cause even if I was I would fight against that every day)
That I'm
3) the best, good person, caring, amazing, smart...
.....too much compliments are annoying..it makes me wanna kill myself.....the compliments stop after you call me "cute"..
... the rest is the biggest annoying thing u can do (guy or girl)
...DON'T FUCKIN BE A CLINGY ASS BITCH.......its not cute to attach ur self to some 1 soo quickly..its not co0l to wanna pretend to be dating.....its not right to make ur self think I'm interested, if everytime you bring up "FUCKING"......I bring up the latest C.D's that are out in stores.
.......I don't mind hearing ur problems..but truth remains that if ur able 2 afford a phone to text and call me on...then u are indeed not that bad off...more pple have it worse than you.
....don't ask me for a FUCKING HUG every 4 minutes....don't call me "Boo"
....I'm not Casper
........ughhhhhh its like we went from being friends to me being your father, husband, bestfriend, brother, lover and slave all @ once.......
...........I'm doing this thing now where I'll just cut you off.....its been done to me, so y not pass it forward?!
.............don't be a Sponge and try to soak me up. Don't offer me money, just because I happen 2 tell u getting my license is not easy for me these days. Don't try and explain us moving in together during the summer...Actually don't talk to me about "US" period....
....just be a friend. I am to you right?
And if I wasn't I'm sure I'd hear you running your mouth about it.
..........."if u want luv, go get your father."
.....this message has been brought to by one pissed off black kid.
1) Clingy
2) needs attention all the fucking time
3) makes you un'comfortable
4) appears to be blind and deaf at the same time
5) acts like Jessica simpson
6) can't clearly see their over stepping them selves
........
.....
......First off lemme state I'm not an angel.
...secondly I guess I have been guilty of 1 or 2 of those things once or twice in my life..but never like a crazy stalker!!!....butttttt this is about it being done 2 me...and more friends are doing it to me every day...
...if we just started texting last week thursday....and had one phone convo friday night, don't tell me that I'm
1) fuckin sexxy (cause u don't know that for sure)
That I'm
2) perfect (cause even if I was I would fight against that every day)
That I'm
3) the best, good person, caring, amazing, smart...
.....too much compliments are annoying..it makes me wanna kill myself.....the compliments stop after you call me "cute"..
... the rest is the biggest annoying thing u can do (guy or girl)
...DON'T FUCKIN BE A CLINGY ASS BITCH.......its not cute to attach ur self to some 1 soo quickly..its not co0l to wanna pretend to be dating.....its not right to make ur self think I'm interested, if everytime you bring up "FUCKING"......I bring up the latest C.D's that are out in stores.
.......I don't mind hearing ur problems..but truth remains that if ur able 2 afford a phone to text and call me on...then u are indeed not that bad off...more pple have it worse than you.
....don't ask me for a FUCKING HUG every 4 minutes....don't call me "Boo"
....I'm not Casper
........ughhhhhh its like we went from being friends to me being your father, husband, bestfriend, brother, lover and slave all @ once.......
...........I'm doing this thing now where I'll just cut you off.....its been done to me, so y not pass it forward?!
.............don't be a Sponge and try to soak me up. Don't offer me money, just because I happen 2 tell u getting my license is not easy for me these days. Don't try and explain us moving in together during the summer...Actually don't talk to me about "US" period....
....just be a friend. I am to you right?
And if I wasn't I'm sure I'd hear you running your mouth about it.
..........."if u want luv, go get your father."
.....this message has been brought to by one pissed off black kid.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
yeah. I'm trying 2 make you fall for me..sorta ...
So on the 10'th of January I noticed I had received a friend request among 5 or 6...
....now that I think about it, its probably been there with the other but I ignored it because the other ones were bands (I'm tired of Bands hittingme up)
......so here's the next chain of events..... my heart is smiling right now =)
...here we go.
.....I lo0ked at the request's and ofcourse the latest 1 was from a person.
.......thinking this was myspace, I did what I always do.
1) lo0k @ the amount of friends they have. Only so I could see if its a fake profile..
....2) their pics =)
.........
.....then I usually just go head and leave them a "Thanks for the add" or a "PreShate the add"
.......so I did that =)
.....Then I decided lemme lo0k at the pics....and then "it" happened.
....it was like a breath of fresh-air in a ro0m filled with smog.
......I left a few comments on some pics....
.......then I forgot to sign off....and the next day got a message from said person.
....the Subject read as follows:
"Are you...."
....and I'm not gonna reveal the whole message because that would take away the validity of it (in my mind)
.......then I figured I'd respond....and try and putmy best fo0t forward and sound as smart as possible...Never again! :(
......I naturally have a sense of humo that some can grasp and most don't get and a select few love and relate to....
.......I should have kept it short and thankful =)
.....
.......maybe I'm over thinking it or maybe I'm crushing...
...in anycase I talked myself into not ho0king up till I'm 100percent happy this year so that I can make some 1 else happy...makes sense right?...that's a blog entry for another day.
......so anyway...I'm crushing.
...I like it. I like to think that in my mind some 1 that lo0ks like pure perfection could actually like me...even as a friend.......
....its like getting a gift after christmas...and you think its not really gonna be the best gift ever...and then your wrong.....
...
.....
..........I feel like shit.
..ugly even.
....its time 2 get serious....and work on "ME"....how else am I gonna get a chance right?
........
....now that I think about it, its probably been there with the other but I ignored it because the other ones were bands (I'm tired of Bands hittingme up)
......so here's the next chain of events..... my heart is smiling right now =)
...here we go.
.....I lo0ked at the request's and ofcourse the latest 1 was from a person.
.......thinking this was myspace, I did what I always do.
1) lo0k @ the amount of friends they have. Only so I could see if its a fake profile..
....2) their pics =)
.........
.....then I usually just go head and leave them a "Thanks for the add" or a "PreShate the add"
.......so I did that =)
.....Then I decided lemme lo0k at the pics....and then "it" happened.
....it was like a breath of fresh-air in a ro0m filled with smog.
......I left a few comments on some pics....
.......then I forgot to sign off....and the next day got a message from said person.
....the Subject read as follows:
"Are you...."
....and I'm not gonna reveal the whole message because that would take away the validity of it (in my mind)
.......then I figured I'd respond....and try and putmy best fo0t forward and sound as smart as possible...Never again! :(
......I naturally have a sense of humo that some can grasp and most don't get and a select few love and relate to....
.......I should have kept it short and thankful =)
.....
.......maybe I'm over thinking it or maybe I'm crushing...
...in anycase I talked myself into not ho0king up till I'm 100percent happy this year so that I can make some 1 else happy...makes sense right?...that's a blog entry for another day.
......so anyway...I'm crushing.
...I like it. I like to think that in my mind some 1 that lo0ks like pure perfection could actually like me...even as a friend.......
....its like getting a gift after christmas...and you think its not really gonna be the best gift ever...and then your wrong.....
...
.....
..........I feel like shit.
..ugly even.
....its time 2 get serious....and work on "ME"....how else am I gonna get a chance right?
........
"09"....lets discuss it a little bit..
Toward the ending of 08 I:
1) Quit my job to prove a point
2) spent all the money I had saved up trying to prove a point
And told every 1 I was ok, to prove a point =)
......all this before december...
........now that 09 is here I'm already feeling behind.
..........I'm not caring about proving points, but I made 08 the "year of licenses" and now I'm realizing there's not much work I can get with my Fire Gaurd license........isn't that great?!
.....January 13'th and I haven't found a job relatiing to my licenses....
.......I'll spare the boring parts and just head right over to craigsList I guess....But first I need to discuss some 1.
....Proceed to next and most recent entry please =)
1) Quit my job to prove a point
2) spent all the money I had saved up trying to prove a point
And told every 1 I was ok, to prove a point =)
......all this before december...
........now that 09 is here I'm already feeling behind.
..........I'm not caring about proving points, but I made 08 the "year of licenses" and now I'm realizing there's not much work I can get with my Fire Gaurd license........isn't that great?!
.....January 13'th and I haven't found a job relatiing to my licenses....
.......I'll spare the boring parts and just head right over to craigsList I guess....But first I need to discuss some 1.
....Proceed to next and most recent entry please =)
Friday, October 31, 2008
My father is in the Hospital...
My father is in the Hospital...
I don't even know where to begin this entry as far as how to start it....
....so I'll start with when I got the call and a lil background info as well:
....a little after 1 o'clock today I called my moms just to say hi......after letting me say "hi" she cut me off and told me my sister (who's now about 8months pregnant) was a crying a little earlier. And of course that's not good for the baby and I knew if my mother was sharing this with me there was more to come. She asked me if I was listening to her and I said "Yes - hurry up because I'm not on break and not supposed to be on the phone"
....she said "it" bluntly"
...my father is sick and last night they took him t the hospital.
....I asked how she knew and she told me that his sister had called her. The whole time my mom and my aunt was talking, my sister was listening.....now if you don't know (and I know you don't) it should be said that she luvs her daddy...she's a daddies girl in every way possible...it was already bothering her that he's in Florida and wouldn't be able to come to her baby shower in December, but to now have to go thru this ???..its too much for her....rather than call her I decided to not call her ad let her cry all she wants---i couldn't stand to hear her sobs.
.......after I hung up. I started thinking about him and the 2 yeas I lived with him when I was in elementary school.
.....first thought was the way he laughed. A lot of pple used to say I laughed like him. I always dismissed it. I thought of how he walked into a room, how he looked when he was thinking and how he ate, how he was when he was angry and how he used to love to find any excuse to tell a child hood story. I thought about how he could speak Latin and I always felt a little stupid near him. I remembered how he used to always leave about 2 buttons un'done on his shirt and I always said I would never do that and now I do. I remember how I was jealous of my sister. That's where the problems began. It always seemed like I couldn't compete..I'm older than her and yet felt small....it was bad enough my grandmother never really treated us the same and that irked me, but to feel that from my father pushed me away from him.
....that last time I seen him in person I was about 12 or 13. And I did that on purpose. Avoiding him when ever he would come over to visit, and when ever he would call.
....I'm in my twenties now and its just baffling how I I thought I was done with him and it took hearing this to realize I'm not.
....while remembering all these things my eyes started to water. I didn't want t cry because obviously I'm at work and I hate crying. So I usually don't. Then before I knew it the teas had built soo much they were almost running out. I had to go out into the cold air and look up at the sky in hopes they would sink back in.
.......I guess it hurts because I never called him "Dad"....
...I now think of how cool it would be to call him up and probably say something like " hey DAD I'm now a licensed FireGuard" ...or "I got my real estate license"....or just to ask his opinion on something...I didn't any male influences growing up......every mistake I made (and still making) I made and make on my own.
.....I once said if he died I wouldn't even attend his funeral and now I'm wishing god would take me first.
...I wouldn't make it thru the funeral...let along the rest of my life with out him.
...
...I thought I was punishing him but not speaking to him but obviously I'm feeling it now...
.....apart of me wants to call the hospital he's in and ask if he's going to be ok. And apart of me is scared....thing about him is that he's always forgiving.
....I know he'd talk to me if I called him, but I don't know where to even begin...I feel like a lot has fallen on my shoulders already as far as work and life in general and now to make a mends with my sick father?....
....he used to carry me on his shoulders when I was little...
...bought me my first bike when I was 9.
........taught me how to pray before going to sleep.
...fuckkk I'm crying now....I'm writing this in my bathroom
....about 10min has passed by because I can't control myself...I feel like he's dead and I didn't get a chance to say anything to him...
......I don't know what's wrong, but my cousin told me he was on medication and stopped taking them a few months ago.
.......maybe he didn't have the money or maybe he just didn't want to live the rest of his life taking meds....I feel that way.
..........every1 is eating dinner and I'm prolly going to skip it and head straight t my room.
....I want to ask what hospital he's in but my sister has finally calmed down and I don't want to upset her....I'll just stay here. Alone with my memories of my dad... alone with my emotions and tears and un controllable shaking, and headache.....I feel like dying.
....Happy "FUCKING" Halloween???
.........yeah Right !!!!
I don't even know where to begin this entry as far as how to start it....
....so I'll start with when I got the call and a lil background info as well:
....a little after 1 o'clock today I called my moms just to say hi......after letting me say "hi" she cut me off and told me my sister (who's now about 8months pregnant) was a crying a little earlier. And of course that's not good for the baby and I knew if my mother was sharing this with me there was more to come. She asked me if I was listening to her and I said "Yes - hurry up because I'm not on break and not supposed to be on the phone"
....she said "it" bluntly"
...my father is sick and last night they took him t the hospital.
....I asked how she knew and she told me that his sister had called her. The whole time my mom and my aunt was talking, my sister was listening.....now if you don't know (and I know you don't) it should be said that she luvs her daddy...she's a daddies girl in every way possible...it was already bothering her that he's in Florida and wouldn't be able to come to her baby shower in December, but to now have to go thru this ???..its too much for her....rather than call her I decided to not call her ad let her cry all she wants---i couldn't stand to hear her sobs.
.......after I hung up. I started thinking about him and the 2 yeas I lived with him when I was in elementary school.
.....first thought was the way he laughed. A lot of pple used to say I laughed like him. I always dismissed it. I thought of how he walked into a room, how he looked when he was thinking and how he ate, how he was when he was angry and how he used to love to find any excuse to tell a child hood story. I thought about how he could speak Latin and I always felt a little stupid near him. I remembered how he used to always leave about 2 buttons un'done on his shirt and I always said I would never do that and now I do. I remember how I was jealous of my sister. That's where the problems began. It always seemed like I couldn't compete..I'm older than her and yet felt small....it was bad enough my grandmother never really treated us the same and that irked me, but to feel that from my father pushed me away from him.
....that last time I seen him in person I was about 12 or 13. And I did that on purpose. Avoiding him when ever he would come over to visit, and when ever he would call.
....I'm in my twenties now and its just baffling how I I thought I was done with him and it took hearing this to realize I'm not.
....while remembering all these things my eyes started to water. I didn't want t cry because obviously I'm at work and I hate crying. So I usually don't. Then before I knew it the teas had built soo much they were almost running out. I had to go out into the cold air and look up at the sky in hopes they would sink back in.
.......I guess it hurts because I never called him "Dad"....
...I now think of how cool it would be to call him up and probably say something like " hey DAD I'm now a licensed FireGuard" ...or "I got my real estate license"....or just to ask his opinion on something...I didn't any male influences growing up......every mistake I made (and still making) I made and make on my own.
.....I once said if he died I wouldn't even attend his funeral and now I'm wishing god would take me first.
...I wouldn't make it thru the funeral...let along the rest of my life with out him.
...
...I thought I was punishing him but not speaking to him but obviously I'm feeling it now...
.....apart of me wants to call the hospital he's in and ask if he's going to be ok. And apart of me is scared....thing about him is that he's always forgiving.
....I know he'd talk to me if I called him, but I don't know where to even begin...I feel like a lot has fallen on my shoulders already as far as work and life in general and now to make a mends with my sick father?....
....he used to carry me on his shoulders when I was little...
...bought me my first bike when I was 9.
........taught me how to pray before going to sleep.
...fuckkk I'm crying now....I'm writing this in my bathroom
....about 10min has passed by because I can't control myself...I feel like he's dead and I didn't get a chance to say anything to him...
......I don't know what's wrong, but my cousin told me he was on medication and stopped taking them a few months ago.
.......maybe he didn't have the money or maybe he just didn't want to live the rest of his life taking meds....I feel that way.
..........every1 is eating dinner and I'm prolly going to skip it and head straight t my room.
....I want to ask what hospital he's in but my sister has finally calmed down and I don't want to upset her....I'll just stay here. Alone with my memories of my dad... alone with my emotions and tears and un controllable shaking, and headache.....I feel like dying.
....Happy "FUCKING" Halloween???
.........yeah Right !!!!
Monday, July 14, 2008
CaptainsLog: I need Change..Now!!!
Don't you just hate when life fux with you?....and aint the worst part of that just waiting for things 2 return back 2 normal?...what's normal anyway???...the real you when no bodies around? Or the you that every 1 can claim they know?!
......so about 2 weex ago...I got my new Blackberry(8820)
....yay me!!! Not really cause the day I got it I was feeling and like I always do I made a purchase on impulse rather than genuine need....but now that I have it, I can't imagine how I ever lived wit out it..Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™
.....awkwardly about 2 days later I get a text from some 1 I don't know....
Side note...I was being a lazy ass--i was supposed 2 move all my contacts to the new phone, but I kept putting it off....prolly case I decided to also keep my sidekickLX on (pre'paid)....so anyway....
...I get the text--- and had a feeling I knew the person...(obviously since they got my number)
....I sent a text 2 them that read.
"Sup?....who is this?"
....I wasn't thinking when I wrote it at the time that pple might assume I deleted their number from my phone (I would assume the same and would feel bad)
.....after not getting a response, I decided 2 copy the number into my sidekickLX and 5 numbers in the name comes up in my phone....
.....
.......
...........Peeps-Fre$h.
...
.....
.........in life very few pple are special to me..granted every 1 is special in their own way..but I'm touched by this person.
......I figured they were upset so I went 2myspace and sent a lil message along with my sidekick's new number that I use for texting...I got a response......and old fears starting coming back.
...I'm not scared of this person....cause in all honesty...I can't find a single REAL flaw with in them....
Fre$h is: funny, human, synical, bad, loud, quiet, realist, childish, aggressive, goal oriented, proud, educated attractive, hardworking and I could write a million more attributes...but other than the physical what I luv (and I seldom use this word when it comes 2 pple)....is their HEART <3
....SECOND: the smile (and I haven't seen it in person, but the laugh has blown me away already
.....we always make plans and set dates and shit 2 hang....but it never goes the way its supposed to...and this is how its supposed 2 go:
We talk on the phone in our usuall playful yet serious banter...set a date..meet up and bug out or what ever...
......so what's the problem now?...prior to me receiving the text about 2 weex ago we hadn't spoken in about a month...we do hat from time 2 time...and when we start talking again its always like were still connected...
........within that month or so we hadn't spoke...a lot of shit has happend...
....main 1 being my job...I'm still employed...going on 3 months buttttt they put me at 3 days a week....mind u I get paid paid every 2 weex and taxes is a bitch...so is my bills and other shit....
....sure I can squander the money to hang....but ow that I been contacted all I can think about is that smile in person---and what clouds that is my personal issues with myself.
.....I haven't had the time 2 work out like I should....I'm no 400pound person..but I know how I'm supposed 2 lo0k...and 6'2 210 aint it...and lets be real..its prolly 225 by now (pple say I don't lo0k it..but I feel like I lo0k worse)
.....I feel intimidated...that some 1 I'm so fond of and shit would actually wanna hang with me...I don't even wanna hang with me right now.
...I peeped some new photos from their myspace page..and it seems like they got more attractive---better health etccc
..happy...I don't wanna ruin that---and usually I can fake confidence pretty well but I don't want to that's a lot of work...and Fre$h aint stupid....
.....I have reached a point where I can be honest with myself about what I'm about 2 say.....
....when ever I get depressed (cause I prolly suffer from depression)....I gain weight..and once that starts...I get upset and give up...and once I give up I gain more weight and I feel more bad and I wanna be left alone.......then 1 day I'll wake up decided I need 2 get better and lose weight the un'healthy but incredibly fast wayyyyyyyyyyy.....I prolly have an eating disorder but who really knows?!......
...
....
..
.......and I know it seems like I'm blowing this wayyyyyy out of proportion but my mind worx the way it wants 2...I can't help it.
..Fre$h if u ever read this...you now know what I wanted 2 say 2 u but couldn't...I don't feel confident because you make me weak.....I can't hang wit u because I don't know how 2 even stand hangin wt myself....I wouldn't be able 2 make you laugh the way I normaly do because on the inside I'd be thinking of ways to lo0k better in your eyes...etcccccc
...my eyes are a lil watery right now...I'm not crying or anything..cause I don't do that...I don't really know y I can't keep emm dry ....
...either wayyy I just sent 2 text's to Fre$H....its 7:41pm july 14'th 2008 ......I'm goin 2 bed at 8:30pm ....and I'm not expecting a response...I don't deserve one.
......
....
...
....
...
.....
.....
.......I dunno how 2 end this fucking entry...so I won't and when I'm 100percent better...I'll come back and continue it..or I'll leave it in the past...either way...its off my chest now and I can breath a lil bit easier....sorta.
......so about 2 weex ago...I got my new Blackberry(8820)
....yay me!!! Not really cause the day I got it I was feeling and like I always do I made a purchase on impulse rather than genuine need....but now that I have it, I can't imagine how I ever lived wit out it..Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™
.....awkwardly about 2 days later I get a text from some 1 I don't know....
Side note...I was being a lazy ass--i was supposed 2 move all my contacts to the new phone, but I kept putting it off....prolly case I decided to also keep my sidekickLX on (pre'paid)....so anyway....
...I get the text--- and had a feeling I knew the person...(obviously since they got my number)
....I sent a text 2 them that read.
"Sup?....who is this?"
....I wasn't thinking when I wrote it at the time that pple might assume I deleted their number from my phone (I would assume the same and would feel bad)
.....after not getting a response, I decided 2 copy the number into my sidekickLX and 5 numbers in the name comes up in my phone....
.....
.......
...........Peeps-Fre$h.
...
.....
.........in life very few pple are special to me..granted every 1 is special in their own way..but I'm touched by this person.
......I figured they were upset so I went 2myspace and sent a lil message along with my sidekick's new number that I use for texting...I got a response......and old fears starting coming back.
...I'm not scared of this person....cause in all honesty...I can't find a single REAL flaw with in them....
Fre$h is: funny, human, synical, bad, loud, quiet, realist, childish, aggressive, goal oriented, proud, educated attractive, hardworking and I could write a million more attributes...but other than the physical what I luv (and I seldom use this word when it comes 2 pple)....is their HEART <3
....SECOND: the smile (and I haven't seen it in person, but the laugh has blown me away already
.....we always make plans and set dates and shit 2 hang....but it never goes the way its supposed to...and this is how its supposed 2 go:
We talk on the phone in our usuall playful yet serious banter...set a date..meet up and bug out or what ever...
......so what's the problem now?...prior to me receiving the text about 2 weex ago we hadn't spoken in about a month...we do hat from time 2 time...and when we start talking again its always like were still connected...
........within that month or so we hadn't spoke...a lot of shit has happend...
....main 1 being my job...I'm still employed...going on 3 months buttttt they put me at 3 days a week....mind u I get paid paid every 2 weex and taxes is a bitch...so is my bills and other shit....
....sure I can squander the money to hang....but ow that I been contacted all I can think about is that smile in person---and what clouds that is my personal issues with myself.
.....I haven't had the time 2 work out like I should....I'm no 400pound person..but I know how I'm supposed 2 lo0k...and 6'2 210 aint it...and lets be real..its prolly 225 by now (pple say I don't lo0k it..but I feel like I lo0k worse)
.....I feel intimidated...that some 1 I'm so fond of and shit would actually wanna hang with me...I don't even wanna hang with me right now.
...I peeped some new photos from their myspace page..and it seems like they got more attractive---better health etccc
..happy...I don't wanna ruin that---and usually I can fake confidence pretty well but I don't want to that's a lot of work...and Fre$h aint stupid....
.....I have reached a point where I can be honest with myself about what I'm about 2 say.....
....when ever I get depressed (cause I prolly suffer from depression)....I gain weight..and once that starts...I get upset and give up...and once I give up I gain more weight and I feel more bad and I wanna be left alone.......then 1 day I'll wake up decided I need 2 get better and lose weight the un'healthy but incredibly fast wayyyyyyyyyyy.....I prolly have an eating disorder but who really knows?!......
...
....
..
.......and I know it seems like I'm blowing this wayyyyyy out of proportion but my mind worx the way it wants 2...I can't help it.
..Fre$h if u ever read this...you now know what I wanted 2 say 2 u but couldn't...I don't feel confident because you make me weak.....I can't hang wit u because I don't know how 2 even stand hangin wt myself....I wouldn't be able 2 make you laugh the way I normaly do because on the inside I'd be thinking of ways to lo0k better in your eyes...etcccccc
...my eyes are a lil watery right now...I'm not crying or anything..cause I don't do that...I don't really know y I can't keep emm dry ....
...either wayyy I just sent 2 text's to Fre$H....its 7:41pm july 14'th 2008 ......I'm goin 2 bed at 8:30pm ....and I'm not expecting a response...I don't deserve one.
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.......I dunno how 2 end this fucking entry...so I won't and when I'm 100percent better...I'll come back and continue it..or I'll leave it in the past...either way...its off my chest now and I can breath a lil bit easier....sorta.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
CaptainsLog: change of hearts and Pple
Its soooooo weird reading old entries.
......I'm usually more Vulgar in person. So I'm suprised their's no explicit talk...I guess I'm growin up :)
....a couple of entries/weeks ago I wrote about getting my new job.
.......near the end of the entry I wrote about take a friend out (now that I'm gettin PiZzaid) and showing them how much I Pre'Shate them.
.........I'm usually mad creative with gifts and surprises (you'll see)....so I had planned this bomb ass outing.
....
.......
.........we haven't spoken in about a month.
....I dunno what I did wrong (but obviously I have done something)...
...everytime we have plans to hang...something comes on my end and theirs....but ofcourse I gotta take the guilt for it.
....here's a lil example of how a convo went between us
Them: wanna hang on monday?
Me: sure but after 12pm though
Them: co0l cause I gotta go 2 the DMV in the morn anyway. We'll meet for a coffee or suttin.
Me: sounds co0l.
....
.......
.........
............
.................
....................
................
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.......
....
..
.......that day I checked in a few times...2-3 text's and finally with a phone call wayyyy later on that night..that's went like this>>
Me: so what happend?...I texted u and stuff.
Them: yeah I was cleaning.
Me: how was the DMV?
Them: I aint even go.
....
.......
...........
....now I might seem stalkerLish but I had already been quiet nervous about hangin out anyway..but was sorta lookin forward to it.
...since then its like we both just sorta started distancing ourselves from each other..I would send a text every now and then...I got some responses and none at times...I'm gonna stop now.
......1 day we'll hang*
**that day is just not now or 2morrow.
....I gotta be at 4:10am (4:30am is not enough time for me 2 get ready to leave by 5:30 :(
..........................
Current Mo0d: Brave
......I'm usually more Vulgar in person. So I'm suprised their's no explicit talk...I guess I'm growin up :)
....a couple of entries/weeks ago I wrote about getting my new job.
.......near the end of the entry I wrote about take a friend out (now that I'm gettin PiZzaid) and showing them how much I Pre'Shate them.
.........I'm usually mad creative with gifts and surprises (you'll see)....so I had planned this bomb ass outing.
....
.......
.........we haven't spoken in about a month.
....I dunno what I did wrong (but obviously I have done something)...
...everytime we have plans to hang...something comes on my end and theirs....but ofcourse I gotta take the guilt for it.
....here's a lil example of how a convo went between us
Them: wanna hang on monday?
Me: sure but after 12pm though
Them: co0l cause I gotta go 2 the DMV in the morn anyway. We'll meet for a coffee or suttin.
Me: sounds co0l.
....
.......
.........
............
.................
....................
................
...........
.......
....
..
.......that day I checked in a few times...2-3 text's and finally with a phone call wayyyy later on that night..that's went like this>>
Me: so what happend?...I texted u and stuff.
Them: yeah I was cleaning.
Me: how was the DMV?
Them: I aint even go.
....
.......
...........
....now I might seem stalkerLish but I had already been quiet nervous about hangin out anyway..but was sorta lookin forward to it.
...since then its like we both just sorta started distancing ourselves from each other..I would send a text every now and then...I got some responses and none at times...I'm gonna stop now.
......1 day we'll hang*
**that day is just not now or 2morrow.
....I gotta be at 4:10am (4:30am is not enough time for me 2 get ready to leave by 5:30 :(
..........................
Current Mo0d: Brave
CaptainsLog: calorie Counting addicts =)
So I'm now a member of a gym (again)
....NYSportsClub always looked like the shit on TV.
.....now I'm apart of the shit..Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™...
.. ... ... ...I called last night just 2 ask questions and the dude Marc was M@D co0l..no pressure at all. I decided it was worth getting-rather than my planned laptop.
...it was 29 to joine and $85/month----now I have a distraction from life and my own thoughts (seems like they be takin over sometimes =(
.......
...
..........
......so today I get a call from Cig or Fig (a manager trying 2 set me with my 1 time only FREE training session with a trainer)
...............she was co0l also, but I don't want the session. Or the pressure that will come with it.
.....I just wanna leave work..walk a blox or hope on the train 2 UnionSquare and work out for about an hour then leave....
...all for what I'm paying now.
......anyway I decided 2 just go in on tuesday the 9'th...and see what happens.
......
........
....
.....I'm usually slick with my mouth so if any pressure is put on me 2 get something I don't want. After I tell them (or him) off I'll say
"ohhh and for the Record-you came on a lil strong" with a face expression to rival that of Sammie Davis Juniors =)
...........
.....
.......hmmm..I need new sneakers and shorts for the gym =(
........................Damnit*
....NYSportsClub always looked like the shit on TV.
.....now I'm apart of the shit..Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™...
.. ... ... ...I called last night just 2 ask questions and the dude Marc was M@D co0l..no pressure at all. I decided it was worth getting-rather than my planned laptop.
...it was 29 to joine and $85/month----now I have a distraction from life and my own thoughts (seems like they be takin over sometimes =(
.......
...
..........
......so today I get a call from Cig or Fig (a manager trying 2 set me with my 1 time only FREE training session with a trainer)
...............she was co0l also, but I don't want the session. Or the pressure that will come with it.
.....I just wanna leave work..walk a blox or hope on the train 2 UnionSquare and work out for about an hour then leave....
...all for what I'm paying now.
......anyway I decided 2 just go in on tuesday the 9'th...and see what happens.
......
........
....
.....I'm usually slick with my mouth so if any pressure is put on me 2 get something I don't want. After I tell them (or him) off I'll say
"ohhh and for the Record-you came on a lil strong" with a face expression to rival that of Sammie Davis Juniors =)
...........
.....
.......hmmm..I need new sneakers and shorts for the gym =(
........................Damnit*
CaptainsLog: calorie Counting addicts =)
So I'm now a member of a gym (again)
....NYSportsClub always looked like the shit on TV.
.....now I'm apart of the shit..Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™...
.. ... ... ...I called last night just 2 ask questions and the dude Marc was M@D co0l..no pressure at all. I decided it was worth getting-rather than my planned laptop.
...it was 29 to joine and $85/month----now I have a distraction from life and my own thoughts (seems like they be takin over sometimes =(
.......
...
..........
......so today I get a call from Cig or Fig (a manager trying 2 set me with my 1 time only FREE training session with a trainer)
...............she was co0l also, but I don't want the session. Or the pressure that will come with it.
.....I just wanna leave work..walk a blox or hope on the train 2 UnionSquare and work out for about an hour then leave....
...all for what I'm paying now.
......anyway I decided 2 just go in on tuesday the 9'th...and see what happens.
......
........
....
.....I'm usually slick with my mouth so if any pressure is put on me 2 get something I don't want. After I tell them (or him) off I'll say
"ohhh and for the Record-you came on a lil strong" with a face expression to rival that of Sammie Davis Juniors =)
...........
.....
.......hmmm..I need new sneakers and shorts for the gym =(
........................Damnit*
....NYSportsClub always looked like the shit on TV.
.....now I'm apart of the shit..Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™...
.. ... ... ...I called last night just 2 ask questions and the dude Marc was M@D co0l..no pressure at all. I decided it was worth getting-rather than my planned laptop.
...it was 29 to joine and $85/month----now I have a distraction from life and my own thoughts (seems like they be takin over sometimes =(
.......
...
..........
......so today I get a call from Cig or Fig (a manager trying 2 set me with my 1 time only FREE training session with a trainer)
...............she was co0l also, but I don't want the session. Or the pressure that will come with it.
.....I just wanna leave work..walk a blox or hope on the train 2 UnionSquare and work out for about an hour then leave....
...all for what I'm paying now.
......anyway I decided 2 just go in on tuesday the 9'th...and see what happens.
......
........
....
.....I'm usually slick with my mouth so if any pressure is put on me 2 get something I don't want. After I tell them (or him) off I'll say
"ohhh and for the Record-you came on a lil strong" with a face expression to rival that of Sammie Davis Juniors =)
...........
.....
.......hmmm..I need new sneakers and shorts for the gym =(
........................Damnit*
CaptainsLog: MEAT WithDrawl :(
....pple never really belong to other pple. Just cause you miss some body doesn't mean you'll get to hug them.
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..........I FUCKING miss MEAT.
.....yeah I do. For like the past 2 weex now. Just been on my mind non-stop. Its like I'm an addict going thru withdrawl symptoms.
............it will pass (it has to)
....but for now its here and I tried dealing with it. And how did I go about that?
.....I got a gym memberShip at the NYSportsClub for $85 bux a month / brightest idea I ever had?...maybe not.
...but untill I get to see that smile in person, (or that ass ッ)
......ima distract myself with a treadmil, an eliptical machine and "The devil Wears Prada" DVD ....
....
.........Peace
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.........
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..
............
.......
..........I FUCKING miss MEAT.
.....yeah I do. For like the past 2 weex now. Just been on my mind non-stop. Its like I'm an addict going thru withdrawl symptoms.
............it will pass (it has to)
....but for now its here and I tried dealing with it. And how did I go about that?
.....I got a gym memberShip at the NYSportsClub for $85 bux a month / brightest idea I ever had?...maybe not.
...but untill I get to see that smile in person, (or that ass ッ)
......ima distract myself with a treadmil, an eliptical machine and "The devil Wears Prada" DVD ....
....
.........Peace
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
CaptainsLog: to BirthDay or not to BirthDay?!
Me: wazzup?
X: heyyy "Happy BirthDay"
Me: Thanx...lol
X: what did you do today?
Me: woke at 4:30am....ummm went to work....responded 2 some "Happy B Day texts"......ummm watched TopModel.. Etccc..nuttin speshul
X: ohhh you ok?
Me: eww..don't ask me that..lol ...I'm not a baby I'm fine..you know I don't celebrate my birthday anymore
X: yeah I know....maybe u should just tell me y cause the masses wanna know Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™
Me:..Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™ --another time....I have my reasons.
X: so what gifts you got?
Me: ummm nothing---ohhh my mom made food though. ♂ kept saying ♂ made my favorite food, but what ♂ made wasn't my fav food ...that hurt a lil bit..but I aint let her see that. Feel me?
X: yeah--maybe your too difficult
Me: eww..I'm not...we don't do the gift exchange thing....usually ＄ in a card...or we go out and I pick my shit.......so were gonna set a date..but I'm over it.
X: yet u sound ?...on your birthday....you saidu wasn't expecting anything and that u don't celebrate it and shit...y u sound sooooo stank man?
Me: I realized...that I'm lucky.
I'm alive. Not starving. Has a mom who loves me. A job that pays me upto 16/hour.
Dreams that now seem reachable (thanks to my job)
....and even though some pple woulda wanted gifts and shit---i really wanted a phone call from (blank). =(
.......I'll live. I don't have a choice!
....I'll holla @ you L8a X---ima finish watch this shit then head 2 bed. I'm tired.
X: aight man. And cheer . You gettin paid soon and remember those DolceSneaks you wanted?..u can get emm now.
Me: ohhh yeahhh....when one feels ..Dolce&Gabbana should be the answer...NOTTTTTTT ! ! !
X: retard..Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™ --hit me 2morrow or suttin.
Me: Peace <3
X: heyyy "Happy BirthDay"
Me: Thanx...lol
X: what did you do today?
Me: woke at 4:30am....ummm went to work....responded 2 some "Happy B Day texts"......ummm watched TopModel.. Etccc..nuttin speshul
X: ohhh you ok?
Me: eww..don't ask me that..lol ...I'm not a baby I'm fine..you know I don't celebrate my birthday anymore
X: yeah I know....maybe u should just tell me y cause the masses wanna know Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™
Me:..Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™ --another time....I have my reasons.
X: so what gifts you got?
Me: ummm nothing---ohhh my mom made food though. ♂ kept saying ♂ made my favorite food, but what ♂ made wasn't my fav food ...that hurt a lil bit..but I aint let her see that. Feel me?
X: yeah--maybe your too difficult
Me: eww..I'm not...we don't do the gift exchange thing....usually ＄ in a card...or we go out and I pick my shit.......so were gonna set a date..but I'm over it.
X: yet u sound ?...on your birthday....you saidu wasn't expecting anything and that u don't celebrate it and shit...y u sound sooooo stank man?
Me: I realized...that I'm lucky.
I'm alive. Not starving. Has a mom who loves me. A job that pays me upto 16/hour.
Dreams that now seem reachable (thanks to my job)
....and even though some pple woulda wanted gifts and shit---i really wanted a phone call from (blank). =(
.......I'll live. I don't have a choice!
....I'll holla @ you L8a X---ima finish watch this shit then head 2 bed. I'm tired.
X: aight man. And cheer . You gettin paid soon and remember those DolceSneaks you wanted?..u can get emm now.
Me: ohhh yeahhh....when one feels ..Dolce&Gabbana should be the answer...NOTTTTTTT ! ! !
X: retard..Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™ --hit me 2morrow or suttin.
Me: Peace <3
Friday, May 2, 2008
CaptainsLog::Liar-Liar
Y do people lie?
...I would have 2 say that pple lie to keep from hurting some one(s)
.....spare themselves embarassment
...........defense Mechanism
....habitual
............................................................................................................................
So 2night some 1 lied to me.
...I knew they were lying...and I woulda said something, but opted not 2.
....because frankly this person lies all the time...and not in a "second nature" kind of way......the sole purpose of these lies are to make the person they are dating look G☆★D in my eyes.
When did I ever carry sooo much power?....I could care less who a friend dates...I care even lesser whe its not really a G☆★D friends of mines dating some 1 one..and their lying to make their Shit'tabulous relationship seem like a fairy tale unraveling in brooklyn.
........it was difficult hearing the lie over and over again..and being there as this person chose to be so kind and tell the same lie to another friend...Recycling lies! ...NOT CUTE!!!!!!
.......*SIGH*---If your dating some 1 just based on looks...that's fine..ifyour dating some 1 because their dating you b ased on your looks, fine.
...just for sex?
........probably even a better reason to stick with them
..just for money? That's your choice
.......to hurt some one else?
That's a little evil..but the point is
WHO GIVES A SHIT???
I DON'T.
Just be happy...that's all that matters.....if you keep claimiung your dating some 1 wonderful and shit and they are never with you then people will looks at you and think what???..that's your lyin. And if your co0l with that..so am I.
......I like games...I'll play along.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh......this blog has been ummm..aight..I can't add a default pic 2 my profile thanx 2 this SideKick...I hate that....anyway...I will be writing in conversation form next entry..and probably here on out.....I luv being the captain----but it gets lonely..a convo between buddies should keep my interest...
...ughhhhhhh 3 entries in 1 night...I'm tired...
....fur'wheel son ! ! !
......domestic violence.
Cute on the "LIFETIME" channel...not sooo CUTE on your Face.
...I would have 2 say that pple lie to keep from hurting some one(s)
.....spare themselves embarassment
...........defense Mechanism
....habitual
............................................................................................................................
So 2night some 1 lied to me.
...I knew they were lying...and I woulda said something, but opted not 2.
....because frankly this person lies all the time...and not in a "second nature" kind of way......the sole purpose of these lies are to make the person they are dating look G☆★D in my eyes.
When did I ever carry sooo much power?....I could care less who a friend dates...I care even lesser whe its not really a G☆★D friends of mines dating some 1 one..and their lying to make their Shit'tabulous relationship seem like a fairy tale unraveling in brooklyn.
........it was difficult hearing the lie over and over again..and being there as this person chose to be so kind and tell the same lie to another friend...Recycling lies! ...NOT CUTE!!!!!!
.......*SIGH*---If your dating some 1 just based on looks...that's fine..ifyour dating some 1 because their dating you b ased on your looks, fine.
...just for sex?
........probably even a better reason to stick with them
..just for money? That's your choice
.......to hurt some one else?
That's a little evil..but the point is
WHO GIVES A SHIT???
I DON'T.
Just be happy...that's all that matters.....if you keep claimiung your dating some 1 wonderful and shit and they are never with you then people will looks at you and think what???..that's your lyin. And if your co0l with that..so am I.
......I like games...I'll play along.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh......this blog has been ummm..aight..I can't add a default pic 2 my profile thanx 2 this SideKick...I hate that....anyway...I will be writing in conversation form next entry..and probably here on out.....I luv being the captain----but it gets lonely..a convo between buddies should keep my interest...
...ughhhhhhh 3 entries in 1 night...I'm tired...
....fur'wheel son ! ! !
......domestic violence.
Cute on the "LIFETIME" channel...not sooo CUTE on your Face.
CaptainsLog:: in reference to Previous entry.
I was caught in something...I would say a "moment"...but my imagination is too out of control for such a boring place 2 be.
So yeah..about 2 entries ago I talked about stealing some 1 from someone else...although I have honestly thought about it.... I was watching tv that night..and got caught in a falseNess.....my friend lost a family member...and I'm actually happy that there's some one there provide the comfort and support that I can't. (Yeah I'm usually emotionally absent)
........with that said I'm not apologizing for my entry...I'm just realizing that I don't feel now what I was feeling then.
....like I said..I wasn't caught in a moment...its like I was apart of a soapOpera...and was planning a brilliant story line....where I would have won....but I realized I don't wanna win some one. I don't wanna tear some one apart from someone who's loving them better than and probably more than me at the moment....and when's all said and done. When I'm ready and got my shit organized I'll see what life gives me.
......which shouldt be much cause I don't want much. I just want some one I can be "WEAK" for.
...........
So yeah..about 2 entries ago I talked about stealing some 1 from someone else...although I have honestly thought about it.... I was watching tv that night..and got caught in a falseNess.....my friend lost a family member...and I'm actually happy that there's some one there provide the comfort and support that I can't. (Yeah I'm usually emotionally absent)
........with that said I'm not apologizing for my entry...I'm just realizing that I don't feel now what I was feeling then.
....like I said..I wasn't caught in a moment...its like I was apart of a soapOpera...and was planning a brilliant story line....where I would have won....but I realized I don't wanna win some one. I don't wanna tear some one apart from someone who's loving them better than and probably more than me at the moment....and when's all said and done. When I'm ready and got my shit organized I'll see what life gives me.
......which shouldt be much cause I don't want much. I just want some one I can be "WEAK" for.
...........
CaptainsLog:: NewLife-..ok not really.
Starting over can be fun.
....there's always this un'easy feeling I get in the pit of stomach when I first meet pple (especially at new jobs)
.....
.......Wed april 30 I started at my new trabajo.
Position: FireGuard
Location: lowerManhattan
Pay: more than I expected (and payed lunch)
Coworkers: Maddd Chilll.
......with that said..my journey actually started tuesday (the day before)....I decided that the bullShit agency and bull'Shitting lady who never calls me back is not worth it and waisting my time..mind you I was supposed to be employed 4 weeks ago.
...........so yeah I spent all day in the bronx and most of the night till about 8:30pm...(I reached home after 10pm ..I found out that the very next day I'm working the day shift. The day shift actually stats at 7am and ends at 3:30pm....ughhhhhh...I was late my first day..but the manager was cool about it...and sincebeng late is not longer an option---i wake at 4:30am now...I'm still not used to it.
............ .......... ...........
.............. but yeah---i already got more bills on my plate and pple needing to borrow (which I don't do unless your V.I.P)....
............I never thought I wuld be a licensed FireGuard...its G☆★D pay...so no complaints here.
....lets see how long I enjoy my self here.....
...ohhhhh I get paid every 2 weeks...I fucken hate that shit...
.....I spent all the money in my bank account (while I was un'employed) :(
...so once I get Pizz'aid...ima ake a spesul friend out....not like a date cause I don't wanna be leading pple on..just a "I really appreciate you as a friend and I'm gonna start showing you that more often" type of outing..maybe a dinner ad a movie..or maybe just dinner..or just a movie...or skip all that and hit a 24/hour mcdonalds and just bug out and laugh :)
......that's the only thing keeping me going while I write this cause I'm maddd tiredddd → now.
...........
...................
.....its amazing who we come across in life....I had lunch with a co-worker 2day...mad cool...and were both in different parts of ourlives...but using this job to get to one place.
....... a Better Life.
....there's always this un'easy feeling I get in the pit of stomach when I first meet pple (especially at new jobs)
.....
.......Wed april 30 I started at my new trabajo.
Position: FireGuard
Location: lowerManhattan
Pay: more than I expected (and payed lunch)
Coworkers: Maddd Chilll.
......with that said..my journey actually started tuesday (the day before)....I decided that the bullShit agency and bull'Shitting lady who never calls me back is not worth it and waisting my time..mind you I was supposed to be employed 4 weeks ago.
...........so yeah I spent all day in the bronx and most of the night till about 8:30pm...(I reached home after 10pm ..I found out that the very next day I'm working the day shift. The day shift actually stats at 7am and ends at 3:30pm....ughhhhhh...I was late my first day..but the manager was cool about it...and sincebeng late is not longer an option---i wake at 4:30am now...I'm still not used to it.
............ .......... ...........
.............. but yeah---i already got more bills on my plate and pple needing to borrow (which I don't do unless your V.I.P)....
............I never thought I wuld be a licensed FireGuard...its G☆★D pay...so no complaints here.
....lets see how long I enjoy my self here.....
...ohhhhh I get paid every 2 weeks...I fucken hate that shit...
.....I spent all the money in my bank account (while I was un'employed) :(
...so once I get Pizz'aid...ima ake a spesul friend out....not like a date cause I don't wanna be leading pple on..just a "I really appreciate you as a friend and I'm gonna start showing you that more often" type of outing..maybe a dinner ad a movie..or maybe just dinner..or just a movie...or skip all that and hit a 24/hour mcdonalds and just bug out and laugh :)
......that's the only thing keeping me going while I write this cause I'm maddd tiredddd → now.
...........
...................
.....its amazing who we come across in life....I had lunch with a co-worker 2day...mad cool...and were both in different parts of ourlives...but using this job to get to one place.
....... a Better Life.
Monday, April 28, 2008
CaptainsLog: 20 or so minutes later
I'm Hard.
Ima go stand in the rain before I solve this problem in a way that's regretable...
Forget the rain...I'll watch "The Devil Wears Prada" dvd....For the 28'th time ...Lame.
Ima go stand in the rain before I solve this problem in a way that's regretable...
Forget the rain...I'll watch "The Devil Wears Prada" dvd....For the 28'th time ...Lame.
CaptainsLog: if I want it..y isit wrong to have it???
The best things in life are free. Who ever said that clearly hasn't been in my shoes. Fuck emm...I always Pay.
This is gonna sound slightly evil so I'm just gonna say it.....
I want some 1.
Even though I'm taking 3 months off to keep to myself and work out and become better.....I'm almost tempted to go after (blank)....with every convo I feeling like sinning....lets branch out a lil, shall we?
....."if you want something in life you gotta go after it"
......."By any means nec.."
...we have all heard those sayings....
So if I want some one that's in a relationship---y shouldn't I go after emm. Its what I want →?....and lifes a battle ground anyway....right ???
........Now comes the issue of Karma..and that we all know Karma can be a bitchhhh....so if I steal some 1 from some 1 else.....shouldn't I now expect to fight even harder to keep em?....and shouldn't I expect drama?....hmmm do I luv drama?....
.....I'll continue this later...I'm watching T.V........
....ughhhh I just got a message....I'm gonna be nice---
4 now.
This is gonna sound slightly evil so I'm just gonna say it.....
I want some 1.
Even though I'm taking 3 months off to keep to myself and work out and become better.....I'm almost tempted to go after (blank)....with every convo I feeling like sinning....lets branch out a lil, shall we?
....."if you want something in life you gotta go after it"
......."By any means nec.."
...we have all heard those sayings....
So if I want some one that's in a relationship---y shouldn't I go after emm. Its what I want →?....and lifes a battle ground anyway....right ???
........Now comes the issue of Karma..and that we all know Karma can be a bitchhhh....so if I steal some 1 from some 1 else.....shouldn't I now expect to fight even harder to keep em?....and shouldn't I expect drama?....hmmm do I luv drama?....
.....I'll continue this later...I'm watching T.V........
....ughhhh I just got a message....I'm gonna be nice---
4 now.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
CaptainsLog: I gonna vomitttt
Question?
How does one reconcile who they are becoming with who they use to be?
.......today (april23'rd)
I started working out..I knowww I knowww..I was supposed 2 been start..but classes and bullshit had held me back....so I went 2 riteAid..bought myself some pills.....yes pills..not cause of the fast results but because I want to =)
.....I been eating egg yolks all day and taking the pills (as directed)...plus I just worked out....half hour running......and 2morrow I'll start push-ups and shit....I need to get apart of my old self back in order 2 be ok with the new me I'm trying 2 portray and actually be........
So while on the treadmil (sweating buckets) and looking G☆★D (yeah I think sweat looks go0d..especially on me..long story =)
..my cuz walks in...and says:
"Ughhh your sooo into your self....your not all that"..she also followed it with a "Eww" and a "you think your gonna look hot?"
..now I never claimed to be an Adonis..but I always thought I was ok in the "looks" department....
.....with that said..I could never pass near a mirror and not look into it......
Some pple STEAL
Others CHEAT
A few are GLUTONS
and Billions are GREEDY.
I guess VANITY is my greatest SIN.
How does one reconcile who they are becoming with who they use to be?
.......today (april23'rd)
I started working out..I knowww I knowww..I was supposed 2 been start..but classes and bullshit had held me back....so I went 2 riteAid..bought myself some pills.....yes pills..not cause of the fast results but because I want to =)
.....I been eating egg yolks all day and taking the pills (as directed)...plus I just worked out....half hour running......and 2morrow I'll start push-ups and shit....I need to get apart of my old self back in order 2 be ok with the new me I'm trying 2 portray and actually be........
So while on the treadmil (sweating buckets) and looking G☆★D (yeah I think sweat looks go0d..especially on me..long story =)
..my cuz walks in...and says:
"Ughhh your sooo into your self....your not all that"..she also followed it with a "Eww" and a "you think your gonna look hot?"
..now I never claimed to be an Adonis..but I always thought I was ok in the "looks" department....
.....with that said..I could never pass near a mirror and not look into it......
Some pple STEAL
Others CHEAT
A few are GLUTONS
and Billions are GREEDY.
I guess VANITY is my greatest SIN.
CaptainsLog: Lets fill in some blanx
April14:
I woke . I assumed my day was gonna well. It was the day before Mariah's album was set to drop and also oneof the few reasons I would tune into Oprah aka the "Big O".
By 9 o'clock I find myself breaking a fight.
Getting caught in drama.
Running a flight of stairs and into a street where a few pple were waiting 2 fight.
Noww lets pause for a second...I swore off fighting because I felt like I been fighting my whole life......be physical or what ever.....I'll also admit in my second year of highschool me and my boi got jumped (ima say ambushed instead)...I got hits in...my boi?...NO COMMENT :(
..(WE NO LONGER SPEAK).
....ok so yeah...apparently 1 of the idiots that were fighting (and their both family as embarassing as it is) decided to call sneak off and call a few wanna thugs to wait outside...so when I ran outside 2 try and talk some sense into Idiot#1....I soon realized that a pen was coming str8 for me...so what did I do?...pushed idiot#1 to the side..took off my left sneaker and thru it...then the shit hit the fan..my mom called the police....and police reports were filed...I was ready 2 get arrested....if no 1 stopped the fight...it woulda needed medical attention....nowww...for those who know me...they know a
Sarcastic, nice, funny, at times awkward and I would like t think a helping and sympathetic person...for those who REALLYYYYY know me they'll prolly say some of the previously mentioned and add in that I always have to be →, likes to argue, has a bad temper, quickly angerd and holds in feelings till it explodes ....''''sigh'''
...I'm not gonna try and change any 1 ones mind about me...frankly--if I'm nice 2 u...its cause I am..if I'm mean 2 u..the its cause I was nice once upon a time and u made me mean 2 u...
I no longer speak or even awknowledge the fact that idiot 1 is alive.....I don't consider idiot#1 a human being...I have done a lot for her in my past..even lost friends and lowerd myself...I'm thru...no more chances...with that said...I don't wish bad things on idiot#1---cause for me 2 do so..I would have 2 care...I longer do.
As for idiot#2..I'm keeping my distance and trying 2 move forward....
Their is an idiot#3...we won't mentione her cause she's an enabler and prolly caused all this.....
So its april 24'th...a lil after 2am..and I feel like all the self work I have done has been destroyed......its not easy starting from scratch.....especially when you've forgotten the recipe for moving past the present.
Earlier I got a message on myspace from some 1 who wants 2 lick me :)
A big flirt? Maybe.
Did I play along?
Fuck yeah....will it go further?...nope-we live on 2 different continents :(
.....ohhh well
I woke . I assumed my day was gonna well. It was the day before Mariah's album was set to drop and also oneof the few reasons I would tune into Oprah aka the "Big O".
By 9 o'clock I find myself breaking a fight.
Getting caught in drama.
Running a flight of stairs and into a street where a few pple were waiting 2 fight.
Noww lets pause for a second...I swore off fighting because I felt like I been fighting my whole life......be physical or what ever.....I'll also admit in my second year of highschool me and my boi got jumped (ima say ambushed instead)...I got hits in...my boi?...NO COMMENT :(
..(WE NO LONGER SPEAK).
....ok so yeah...apparently 1 of the idiots that were fighting (and their both family as embarassing as it is) decided to call sneak off and call a few wanna thugs to wait outside...so when I ran outside 2 try and talk some sense into Idiot#1....I soon realized that a pen was coming str8 for me...so what did I do?...pushed idiot#1 to the side..took off my left sneaker and thru it...then the shit hit the fan..my mom called the police....and police reports were filed...I was ready 2 get arrested....if no 1 stopped the fight...it woulda needed medical attention....nowww...for those who know me...they know a
Sarcastic, nice, funny, at times awkward and I would like t think a helping and sympathetic person...for those who REALLYYYYY know me they'll prolly say some of the previously mentioned and add in that I always have to be →, likes to argue, has a bad temper, quickly angerd and holds in feelings till it explodes ....''''sigh'''
...I'm not gonna try and change any 1 ones mind about me...frankly--if I'm nice 2 u...its cause I am..if I'm mean 2 u..the its cause I was nice once upon a time and u made me mean 2 u...
I no longer speak or even awknowledge the fact that idiot 1 is alive.....I don't consider idiot#1 a human being...I have done a lot for her in my past..even lost friends and lowerd myself...I'm thru...no more chances...with that said...I don't wish bad things on idiot#1---cause for me 2 do so..I would have 2 care...I longer do.
As for idiot#2..I'm keeping my distance and trying 2 move forward....
Their is an idiot#3...we won't mentione her cause she's an enabler and prolly caused all this.....
So its april 24'th...a lil after 2am..and I feel like all the self work I have done has been destroyed......its not easy starting from scratch.....especially when you've forgotten the recipe for moving past the present.
Earlier I got a message on myspace from some 1 who wants 2 lick me :)
A big flirt? Maybe.
Did I play along?
Fuck yeah....will it go further?...nope-we live on 2 different continents :(
.....ohhh well
Saturday, April 12, 2008
CaptainsLog:: "Please, Sir, what is time?"
"Time is of your own making;
its clock ticks in your head.
The moment you stop thought
time too stops dead."
The past. Interestingly un'interesting.
Lets venture shall we???
Whe I attended LongIslandUniversity it was an interesting time....like every first college year.
It got stail after 2 weeks..then I started meeting pple. Some more interesting than others. Others I regret even getting to know (I'm sure the feeling is mutual) and others I'll never forget and lost contact with.
Ok lets park the ship in my English class....
Lets describe what were see'ing....
1) Me ::waves:: ....at that time if u noticed I had shoulder length hair...I might have been going thru a black hippy stage because my hair is not combed.....I prolly have on baggy clothes...cause I had no 1 t impress...I'm sitting in the second row and maybe the 5'th or 6'th seat.
2) the professor is wearing jeans..thin. Half hippie and half baked.
3) the class is semi full....at this point the "Me in da past" is not really friends with every 1...but talks to a cool russian kid and a hispanic girl.
THEN IT HAPPENS.....
I'm sitting ofcourse. Waiting for the class to start. A girl with long gold (maddd Golddd) hurrr wearing a pink tee and blue jeans walks in and sits → in the seat ahead of mines....and I lost it when I looked and seen a pink thong....and crackkkkkk =)
Why are we here?
Because earlier today I found my old english notes and remember the cool times and embarassing times I had in that class....my first college crush etcc..it sturr'd some memories....I'm thinking aout headin 2 myspace and maybe contacting a few of them.....ok I'm over it....
GAS THE SHIP AND LETS BACK BACK 2 PRESENT TIME....
2 minutes to midnight...I'm bullShitting on aim...blogging (Duhhh)...watching T.V......and even though I'm doing all this and texting and drinking =)
I can't get some 1 off my mind...I'm trying...I'm ready for SHOCK THERAPY :(
its clock ticks in your head.
The moment you stop thought
time too stops dead."
The past. Interestingly un'interesting.
Lets venture shall we???
Whe I attended LongIslandUniversity it was an interesting time....like every first college year.
It got stail after 2 weeks..then I started meeting pple. Some more interesting than others. Others I regret even getting to know (I'm sure the feeling is mutual) and others I'll never forget and lost contact with.
Ok lets park the ship in my English class....
Lets describe what were see'ing....
1) Me ::waves:: ....at that time if u noticed I had shoulder length hair...I might have been going thru a black hippy stage because my hair is not combed.....I prolly have on baggy clothes...cause I had no 1 t impress...I'm sitting in the second row and maybe the 5'th or 6'th seat.
2) the professor is wearing jeans..thin. Half hippie and half baked.
3) the class is semi full....at this point the "Me in da past" is not really friends with every 1...but talks to a cool russian kid and a hispanic girl.
THEN IT HAPPENS.....
I'm sitting ofcourse. Waiting for the class to start. A girl with long gold (maddd Golddd) hurrr wearing a pink tee and blue jeans walks in and sits → in the seat ahead of mines....and I lost it when I looked and seen a pink thong....and crackkkkkk =)
Why are we here?
Because earlier today I found my old english notes and remember the cool times and embarassing times I had in that class....my first college crush etcc..it sturr'd some memories....I'm thinking aout headin 2 myspace and maybe contacting a few of them.....ok I'm over it....
GAS THE SHIP AND LETS BACK BACK 2 PRESENT TIME....
2 minutes to midnight...I'm bullShitting on aim...blogging (Duhhh)...watching T.V......and even though I'm doing all this and texting and drinking =)
I can't get some 1 off my mind...I'm trying...I'm ready for SHOCK THERAPY :(
Thursday, April 10, 2008
CaptainsLog:: Never strait, always forward.
Today we'll journey to a land Far, Farrrrr away. A land where no 1 takes you seriously. A place where people take lunch at Fucking 9:45am (ok I'll save the cursing for the next 2 paragraphs..because I'm nice)..NOTTTTT!!!
In this land we'll encounter would be employees doing their job, but aren't ofcourse.
Where is this place?
34'th street ofcourse....now lets rewind a little....
6:00am: Alarm rings...I hit the snooze
6:10am: alarm rings again. I hit snooze and keep on hittin it till 7 :)
7:00am: I grab my phone...check my Aim, Yahoo and MSN...followed by email and lastly Text's....by 7:05am I'm continuing a somewhat dirty convo I was involved in the nightbefore..I then grab my towel...and make my way 2 the bathr0om.
7:34am: I'm out the bathroom...
7:50'ishAm: I decide its time 2 eat some breakfast (for once in my life)...I originally thought cereal...but my homeGirl hit me ---so I decided 2 pretend to know how 2 c0ok and make some eggs......about 10min later the eggs are done...and ofcourse ♂ pretended to like-emm...but it was maddd salty..Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™ ...I aint eat it..♂ did and it made me wonder what else I could get her t swallow :)
8:20 or so: ♂ leaves...and I go 2 the store 2 purchase a MetroCard...and ofcourse I'm dressed like a security guard slash BatMan imposter.....so
I decide to leave the cape'd looking coat at home....mind you it was HOTTTTTT as hell :)
8:35am: I'm on the B35 and some body decides that no 1 else will mind if they wear a whole bottle of cologne...ughhh
9:40am: I'm out the train, got my music on and im walkin like I'm being chased...y?..not sure..instincts I guess.
9:50am: I get there....I asked for a Miss(blank)...and I'm told ♂ went out 2 lunch...now I'm like WTF?...there's 2 problems with that. I called her 3 times last week (got no call back) and what kind of job lets their employees take lunch literally 20 minutes after scarfing down b'fast?!
11 thirtySomething: and Miss(blank) comes and ofcourse wants 2 chitChat...at this point I'm sooo over her and the nice recetionist who keeps telling me she's hungry..maybe the assumed because I was black I carried fried chicken in my pockets and rice in my bookBag and perhaps had a bottle of fiftyCent soda tucked in my sock.
Few minutes later I was led to a room..where I was asked to fill out like 3 million forms. I then realized at that moment I couldn't find my Drivers license...that's great!!!
This third lady comes in with a stick and tells me to put it in my mouth...I laugh-cause I assumed ♂ was joking....♂ said it again soo nowww I turn and look at her...I asked "What is that?"....and ♂ said "its a spit..uhhh DNA drug type thing"..obviously ♂ was cnfused and how could I not trust some 1 who clearly has no knowledge if what she's doing?!......♂ was cute though (very cute in the face and wide in the waist)..so I put the stick in my mouth for 5 minutes....♂ comes in and tells me to remove..I play deaf...and ♂ removes it for me.....so I ask her>> "after the orientation next week, how long before I'm placed at my place of employment?"...♂ says "I dunno".....now I'm mad again so I tell her to bring me some that does know....and who does ♂ get?..Miss(Blank)...ughhh
.....♂ answerd the question... vaguely ofcourse and can u blame her?..y answer a simple question head on?...ughhh.......I'm done--Now I'm outa hereee.
Its now about 1 o'clock. CrewShip members---that place I was @ is a place where GOODTIMES go 2 DIE....so stay away from it......so here I am now..5:14pm....texting and talking on aim and blogging....and I jus got asked for a DickPic---thats sooo highschool and I don't do that anymore (for real this time)...but I'm bored---so I'm gonna let my Wenis have some camera time......
Next distination?
Where ever 2morrow brings me..or 2 the bronx to baby sit Kiesha and Tyrone..**Don't Ask** :0
In this land we'll encounter would be employees doing their job, but aren't ofcourse.
Where is this place?
34'th street ofcourse....now lets rewind a little....
6:00am: Alarm rings...I hit the snooze
6:10am: alarm rings again. I hit snooze and keep on hittin it till 7 :)
7:00am: I grab my phone...check my Aim, Yahoo and MSN...followed by email and lastly Text's....by 7:05am I'm continuing a somewhat dirty convo I was involved in the nightbefore..I then grab my towel...and make my way 2 the bathr0om.
7:34am: I'm out the bathroom...
7:50'ishAm: I decide its time 2 eat some breakfast (for once in my life)...I originally thought cereal...but my homeGirl hit me ---so I decided 2 pretend to know how 2 c0ok and make some eggs......about 10min later the eggs are done...and ofcourse ♂ pretended to like-emm...but it was maddd salty..Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™ ...I aint eat it..♂ did and it made me wonder what else I could get her t swallow :)
8:20 or so: ♂ leaves...and I go 2 the store 2 purchase a MetroCard...and ofcourse I'm dressed like a security guard slash BatMan imposter.....so
I decide to leave the cape'd looking coat at home....mind you it was HOTTTTTT as hell :)
8:35am: I'm on the B35 and some body decides that no 1 else will mind if they wear a whole bottle of cologne...ughhh
9:40am: I'm out the train, got my music on and im walkin like I'm being chased...y?..not sure..instincts I guess.
9:50am: I get there....I asked for a Miss(blank)...and I'm told ♂ went out 2 lunch...now I'm like WTF?...there's 2 problems with that. I called her 3 times last week (got no call back) and what kind of job lets their employees take lunch literally 20 minutes after scarfing down b'fast?!
11 thirtySomething: and Miss(blank) comes and ofcourse wants 2 chitChat...at this point I'm sooo over her and the nice recetionist who keeps telling me she's hungry..maybe the assumed because I was black I carried fried chicken in my pockets and rice in my bookBag and perhaps had a bottle of fiftyCent soda tucked in my sock.
Few minutes later I was led to a room..where I was asked to fill out like 3 million forms. I then realized at that moment I couldn't find my Drivers license...that's great!!!
This third lady comes in with a stick and tells me to put it in my mouth...I laugh-cause I assumed ♂ was joking....♂ said it again soo nowww I turn and look at her...I asked "What is that?"....and ♂ said "its a spit..uhhh DNA drug type thing"..obviously ♂ was cnfused and how could I not trust some 1 who clearly has no knowledge if what she's doing?!......♂ was cute though (very cute in the face and wide in the waist)..so I put the stick in my mouth for 5 minutes....♂ comes in and tells me to remove..I play deaf...and ♂ removes it for me.....so I ask her>> "after the orientation next week, how long before I'm placed at my place of employment?"...♂ says "I dunno".....now I'm mad again so I tell her to bring me some that does know....and who does ♂ get?..Miss(Blank)...ughhh
.....♂ answerd the question... vaguely ofcourse and can u blame her?..y answer a simple question head on?...ughhh.......I'm done--Now I'm outa hereee.
Its now about 1 o'clock. CrewShip members---that place I was @ is a place where GOODTIMES go 2 DIE....so stay away from it......so here I am now..5:14pm....texting and talking on aim and blogging....and I jus got asked for a DickPic---thats sooo highschool and I don't do that anymore (for real this time)...but I'm bored---so I'm gonna let my Wenis have some camera time......
Next distination?
Where ever 2morrow brings me..or 2 the bronx to baby sit Kiesha and Tyrone..**Don't Ask** :0
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