My father is in the Hospital...
I don't even know where to begin this entry as far as how to start it....
....so I'll start with when I got the call and a lil background info as well:
....a little after 1 o'clock today I called my moms just to say hi......after letting me say "hi" she cut me off and told me my sister (who's now about 8months pregnant) was a crying a little earlier. And of course that's not good for the baby and I knew if my mother was sharing this with me there was more to come. She asked me if I was listening to her and I said "Yes - hurry up because I'm not on break and not supposed to be on the phone"
....she said "it" bluntly"
...my father is sick and last night they took him t the hospital.
....I asked how she knew and she told me that his sister had called her. The whole time my mom and my aunt was talking, my sister was listening.....now if you don't know (and I know you don't) it should be said that she luvs her daddy...she's a daddies girl in every way possible...it was already bothering her that he's in Florida and wouldn't be able to come to her baby shower in December, but to now have to go thru this ???..its too much for her....rather than call her I decided to not call her ad let her cry all she wants---i couldn't stand to hear her sobs.
.......after I hung up. I started thinking about him and the 2 yeas I lived with him when I was in elementary school.
.....first thought was the way he laughed. A lot of pple used to say I laughed like him. I always dismissed it. I thought of how he walked into a room, how he looked when he was thinking and how he ate, how he was when he was angry and how he used to love to find any excuse to tell a child hood story. I thought about how he could speak Latin and I always felt a little stupid near him. I remembered how he used to always leave about 2 buttons un'done on his shirt and I always said I would never do that and now I do. I remember how I was jealous of my sister. That's where the problems began. It always seemed like I couldn't compete..I'm older than her and yet felt small....it was bad enough my grandmother never really treated us the same and that irked me, but to feel that from my father pushed me away from him.
....that last time I seen him in person I was about 12 or 13. And I did that on purpose. Avoiding him when ever he would come over to visit, and when ever he would call.
....I'm in my twenties now and its just baffling how I I thought I was done with him and it took hearing this to realize I'm not.
....while remembering all these things my eyes started to water. I didn't want t cry because obviously I'm at work and I hate crying. So I usually don't. Then before I knew it the teas had built soo much they were almost running out. I had to go out into the cold air and look up at the sky in hopes they would sink back in.
.......I guess it hurts because I never called him "Dad"....
...I now think of how cool it would be to call him up and probably say something like " hey DAD I'm now a licensed FireGuard" ...or "I got my real estate license"....or just to ask his opinion on something...I didn't any male influences growing up......every mistake I made (and still making) I made and make on my own.
.....I once said if he died I wouldn't even attend his funeral and now I'm wishing god would take me first.
...I wouldn't make it thru the funeral...let along the rest of my life with out him.
...
...I thought I was punishing him but not speaking to him but obviously I'm feeling it now...
.....apart of me wants to call the hospital he's in and ask if he's going to be ok. And apart of me is scared....thing about him is that he's always forgiving.
....I know he'd talk to me if I called him, but I don't know where to even begin...I feel like a lot has fallen on my shoulders already as far as work and life in general and now to make a mends with my sick father?....
....he used to carry me on his shoulders when I was little...
...bought me my first bike when I was 9.
........taught me how to pray before going to sleep.
...fuckkk I'm crying now....I'm writing this in my bathroom
....about 10min has passed by because I can't control myself...I feel like he's dead and I didn't get a chance to say anything to him...
......I don't know what's wrong, but my cousin told me he was on medication and stopped taking them a few months ago.
.......maybe he didn't have the money or maybe he just didn't want to live the rest of his life taking meds....I feel that way.
..........every1 is eating dinner and I'm prolly going to skip it and head straight t my room.
....I want to ask what hospital he's in but my sister has finally calmed down and I don't want to upset her....I'll just stay here. Alone with my memories of my dad... alone with my emotions and tears and un controllable shaking, and headache.....I feel like dying.
....Happy "FUCKING" Halloween???
.........yeah Right !!!!
Friday, October 31, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
CaptainsLog: I need Change..Now!!!
Don't you just hate when life fux with you?....and aint the worst part of that just waiting for things 2 return back 2 normal?...what's normal anyway???...the real you when no bodies around? Or the you that every 1 can claim they know?!
......so about 2 weex ago...I got my new Blackberry(8820)
....yay me!!! Not really cause the day I got it I was feeling and like I always do I made a purchase on impulse rather than genuine need....but now that I have it, I can't imagine how I ever lived wit out it..Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™
.....awkwardly about 2 days later I get a text from some 1 I don't know....
Side note...I was being a lazy ass--i was supposed 2 move all my contacts to the new phone, but I kept putting it off....prolly case I decided to also keep my sidekickLX on (pre'paid)....so anyway....
...I get the text--- and had a feeling I knew the person...(obviously since they got my number)
....I sent a text 2 them that read.
"Sup?....who is this?"
....I wasn't thinking when I wrote it at the time that pple might assume I deleted their number from my phone (I would assume the same and would feel bad)
.....after not getting a response, I decided 2 copy the number into my sidekickLX and 5 numbers in the name comes up in my phone....
.....
.......
...........Peeps-Fre$h.
...
.....
.........in life very few pple are special to me..granted every 1 is special in their own way..but I'm touched by this person.
......I figured they were upset so I went 2myspace and sent a lil message along with my sidekick's new number that I use for texting...I got a response......and old fears starting coming back.
...I'm not scared of this person....cause in all honesty...I can't find a single REAL flaw with in them....
Fre$h is: funny, human, synical, bad, loud, quiet, realist, childish, aggressive, goal oriented, proud, educated attractive, hardworking and I could write a million more attributes...but other than the physical what I luv (and I seldom use this word when it comes 2 pple)....is their HEART <3
....SECOND: the smile (and I haven't seen it in person, but the laugh has blown me away already
.....we always make plans and set dates and shit 2 hang....but it never goes the way its supposed to...and this is how its supposed 2 go:
We talk on the phone in our usuall playful yet serious banter...set a date..meet up and bug out or what ever...
......so what's the problem now?...prior to me receiving the text about 2 weex ago we hadn't spoken in about a month...we do hat from time 2 time...and when we start talking again its always like were still connected...
........within that month or so we hadn't spoke...a lot of shit has happend...
....main 1 being my job...I'm still employed...going on 3 months buttttt they put me at 3 days a week....mind u I get paid paid every 2 weex and taxes is a bitch...so is my bills and other shit....
....sure I can squander the money to hang....but ow that I been contacted all I can think about is that smile in person---and what clouds that is my personal issues with myself.
.....I haven't had the time 2 work out like I should....I'm no 400pound person..but I know how I'm supposed 2 lo0k...and 6'2 210 aint it...and lets be real..its prolly 225 by now (pple say I don't lo0k it..but I feel like I lo0k worse)
.....I feel intimidated...that some 1 I'm so fond of and shit would actually wanna hang with me...I don't even wanna hang with me right now.
...I peeped some new photos from their myspace page..and it seems like they got more attractive---better health etccc
..happy...I don't wanna ruin that---and usually I can fake confidence pretty well but I don't want to that's a lot of work...and Fre$h aint stupid....
.....I have reached a point where I can be honest with myself about what I'm about 2 say.....
....when ever I get depressed (cause I prolly suffer from depression)....I gain weight..and once that starts...I get upset and give up...and once I give up I gain more weight and I feel more bad and I wanna be left alone.......then 1 day I'll wake up decided I need 2 get better and lose weight the un'healthy but incredibly fast wayyyyyyyyyyy.....I prolly have an eating disorder but who really knows?!......
...
....
..
.......and I know it seems like I'm blowing this wayyyyyy out of proportion but my mind worx the way it wants 2...I can't help it.
..Fre$h if u ever read this...you now know what I wanted 2 say 2 u but couldn't...I don't feel confident because you make me weak.....I can't hang wit u because I don't know how 2 even stand hangin wt myself....I wouldn't be able 2 make you laugh the way I normaly do because on the inside I'd be thinking of ways to lo0k better in your eyes...etcccccc
...my eyes are a lil watery right now...I'm not crying or anything..cause I don't do that...I don't really know y I can't keep emm dry ....
...either wayyy I just sent 2 text's to Fre$H....its 7:41pm july 14'th 2008 ......I'm goin 2 bed at 8:30pm ....and I'm not expecting a response...I don't deserve one.
......
....
...
....
...
.....
.....
.......I dunno how 2 end this fucking entry...so I won't and when I'm 100percent better...I'll come back and continue it..or I'll leave it in the past...either way...its off my chest now and I can breath a lil bit easier....sorta.
......so about 2 weex ago...I got my new Blackberry(8820)
....yay me!!! Not really cause the day I got it I was feeling and like I always do I made a purchase on impulse rather than genuine need....but now that I have it, I can't imagine how I ever lived wit out it..Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™
.....awkwardly about 2 days later I get a text from some 1 I don't know....
Side note...I was being a lazy ass--i was supposed 2 move all my contacts to the new phone, but I kept putting it off....prolly case I decided to also keep my sidekickLX on (pre'paid)....so anyway....
...I get the text--- and had a feeling I knew the person...(obviously since they got my number)
....I sent a text 2 them that read.
"Sup?....who is this?"
....I wasn't thinking when I wrote it at the time that pple might assume I deleted their number from my phone (I would assume the same and would feel bad)
.....after not getting a response, I decided 2 copy the number into my sidekickLX and 5 numbers in the name comes up in my phone....
.....
.......
...........Peeps-Fre$h.
...
.....
.........in life very few pple are special to me..granted every 1 is special in their own way..but I'm touched by this person.
......I figured they were upset so I went 2myspace and sent a lil message along with my sidekick's new number that I use for texting...I got a response......and old fears starting coming back.
...I'm not scared of this person....cause in all honesty...I can't find a single REAL flaw with in them....
Fre$h is: funny, human, synical, bad, loud, quiet, realist, childish, aggressive, goal oriented, proud, educated attractive, hardworking and I could write a million more attributes...but other than the physical what I luv (and I seldom use this word when it comes 2 pple)....is their HEART <3
....SECOND: the smile (and I haven't seen it in person, but the laugh has blown me away already
.....we always make plans and set dates and shit 2 hang....but it never goes the way its supposed to...and this is how its supposed 2 go:
We talk on the phone in our usuall playful yet serious banter...set a date..meet up and bug out or what ever...
......so what's the problem now?...prior to me receiving the text about 2 weex ago we hadn't spoken in about a month...we do hat from time 2 time...and when we start talking again its always like were still connected...
........within that month or so we hadn't spoke...a lot of shit has happend...
....main 1 being my job...I'm still employed...going on 3 months buttttt they put me at 3 days a week....mind u I get paid paid every 2 weex and taxes is a bitch...so is my bills and other shit....
....sure I can squander the money to hang....but ow that I been contacted all I can think about is that smile in person---and what clouds that is my personal issues with myself.
.....I haven't had the time 2 work out like I should....I'm no 400pound person..but I know how I'm supposed 2 lo0k...and 6'2 210 aint it...and lets be real..its prolly 225 by now (pple say I don't lo0k it..but I feel like I lo0k worse)
.....I feel intimidated...that some 1 I'm so fond of and shit would actually wanna hang with me...I don't even wanna hang with me right now.
...I peeped some new photos from their myspace page..and it seems like they got more attractive---better health etccc
..happy...I don't wanna ruin that---and usually I can fake confidence pretty well but I don't want to that's a lot of work...and Fre$h aint stupid....
.....I have reached a point where I can be honest with myself about what I'm about 2 say.....
....when ever I get depressed (cause I prolly suffer from depression)....I gain weight..and once that starts...I get upset and give up...and once I give up I gain more weight and I feel more bad and I wanna be left alone.......then 1 day I'll wake up decided I need 2 get better and lose weight the un'healthy but incredibly fast wayyyyyyyyyyy.....I prolly have an eating disorder but who really knows?!......
...
....
..
.......and I know it seems like I'm blowing this wayyyyyy out of proportion but my mind worx the way it wants 2...I can't help it.
..Fre$h if u ever read this...you now know what I wanted 2 say 2 u but couldn't...I don't feel confident because you make me weak.....I can't hang wit u because I don't know how 2 even stand hangin wt myself....I wouldn't be able 2 make you laugh the way I normaly do because on the inside I'd be thinking of ways to lo0k better in your eyes...etcccccc
...my eyes are a lil watery right now...I'm not crying or anything..cause I don't do that...I don't really know y I can't keep emm dry ....
...either wayyy I just sent 2 text's to Fre$H....its 7:41pm july 14'th 2008 ......I'm goin 2 bed at 8:30pm ....and I'm not expecting a response...I don't deserve one.
......
....
...
....
...
.....
.....
.......I dunno how 2 end this fucking entry...so I won't and when I'm 100percent better...I'll come back and continue it..or I'll leave it in the past...either way...its off my chest now and I can breath a lil bit easier....sorta.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
CaptainsLog: change of hearts and Pple
Its soooooo weird reading old entries.
......I'm usually more Vulgar in person. So I'm suprised their's no explicit talk...I guess I'm growin up :)
....a couple of entries/weeks ago I wrote about getting my new job.
.......near the end of the entry I wrote about take a friend out (now that I'm gettin PiZzaid) and showing them how much I Pre'Shate them.
.........I'm usually mad creative with gifts and surprises (you'll see)....so I had planned this bomb ass outing.
....
.......
.........we haven't spoken in about a month.
....I dunno what I did wrong (but obviously I have done something)...
...everytime we have plans to hang...something comes on my end and theirs....but ofcourse I gotta take the guilt for it.
....here's a lil example of how a convo went between us
Them: wanna hang on monday?
Me: sure but after 12pm though
Them: co0l cause I gotta go 2 the DMV in the morn anyway. We'll meet for a coffee or suttin.
Me: sounds co0l.
....
.......
.........
............
.................
....................
................
...........
.......
....
..
.......that day I checked in a few times...2-3 text's and finally with a phone call wayyyy later on that night..that's went like this>>
Me: so what happend?...I texted u and stuff.
Them: yeah I was cleaning.
Me: how was the DMV?
Them: I aint even go.
....
.......
...........
....now I might seem stalkerLish but I had already been quiet nervous about hangin out anyway..but was sorta lookin forward to it.
...since then its like we both just sorta started distancing ourselves from each other..I would send a text every now and then...I got some responses and none at times...I'm gonna stop now.
......1 day we'll hang*
**that day is just not now or 2morrow.
....I gotta be at 4:10am (4:30am is not enough time for me 2 get ready to leave by 5:30 :(
..........................
Current Mo0d: Brave
......I'm usually more Vulgar in person. So I'm suprised their's no explicit talk...I guess I'm growin up :)
....a couple of entries/weeks ago I wrote about getting my new job.
.......near the end of the entry I wrote about take a friend out (now that I'm gettin PiZzaid) and showing them how much I Pre'Shate them.
.........I'm usually mad creative with gifts and surprises (you'll see)....so I had planned this bomb ass outing.
....
.......
.........we haven't spoken in about a month.
....I dunno what I did wrong (but obviously I have done something)...
...everytime we have plans to hang...something comes on my end and theirs....but ofcourse I gotta take the guilt for it.
....here's a lil example of how a convo went between us
Them: wanna hang on monday?
Me: sure but after 12pm though
Them: co0l cause I gotta go 2 the DMV in the morn anyway. We'll meet for a coffee or suttin.
Me: sounds co0l.
....
.......
.........
............
.................
....................
................
...........
.......
....
..
.......that day I checked in a few times...2-3 text's and finally with a phone call wayyyy later on that night..that's went like this>>
Me: so what happend?...I texted u and stuff.
Them: yeah I was cleaning.
Me: how was the DMV?
Them: I aint even go.
....
.......
...........
....now I might seem stalkerLish but I had already been quiet nervous about hangin out anyway..but was sorta lookin forward to it.
...since then its like we both just sorta started distancing ourselves from each other..I would send a text every now and then...I got some responses and none at times...I'm gonna stop now.
......1 day we'll hang*
**that day is just not now or 2morrow.
....I gotta be at 4:10am (4:30am is not enough time for me 2 get ready to leave by 5:30 :(
..........................
Current Mo0d: Brave
CaptainsLog: calorie Counting addicts =)
So I'm now a member of a gym (again)
....NYSportsClub always looked like the shit on TV.
.....now I'm apart of the shit..Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™...
.. ... ... ...I called last night just 2 ask questions and the dude Marc was M@D co0l..no pressure at all. I decided it was worth getting-rather than my planned laptop.
...it was 29 to joine and $85/month----now I have a distraction from life and my own thoughts (seems like they be takin over sometimes =(
.......
...
..........
......so today I get a call from Cig or Fig (a manager trying 2 set me with my 1 time only FREE training session with a trainer)
...............she was co0l also, but I don't want the session. Or the pressure that will come with it.
.....I just wanna leave work..walk a blox or hope on the train 2 UnionSquare and work out for about an hour then leave....
...all for what I'm paying now.
......anyway I decided 2 just go in on tuesday the 9'th...and see what happens.
......
........
....
.....I'm usually slick with my mouth so if any pressure is put on me 2 get something I don't want. After I tell them (or him) off I'll say
"ohhh and for the Record-you came on a lil strong" with a face expression to rival that of Sammie Davis Juniors =)
...........
.....
.......hmmm..I need new sneakers and shorts for the gym =(
........................Damnit*
....NYSportsClub always looked like the shit on TV.
.....now I'm apart of the shit..Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™...
.. ... ... ...I called last night just 2 ask questions and the dude Marc was M@D co0l..no pressure at all. I decided it was worth getting-rather than my planned laptop.
...it was 29 to joine and $85/month----now I have a distraction from life and my own thoughts (seems like they be takin over sometimes =(
.......
...
..........
......so today I get a call from Cig or Fig (a manager trying 2 set me with my 1 time only FREE training session with a trainer)
...............she was co0l also, but I don't want the session. Or the pressure that will come with it.
.....I just wanna leave work..walk a blox or hope on the train 2 UnionSquare and work out for about an hour then leave....
...all for what I'm paying now.
......anyway I decided 2 just go in on tuesday the 9'th...and see what happens.
......
........
....
.....I'm usually slick with my mouth so if any pressure is put on me 2 get something I don't want. After I tell them (or him) off I'll say
"ohhh and for the Record-you came on a lil strong" with a face expression to rival that of Sammie Davis Juniors =)
...........
.....
.......hmmm..I need new sneakers and shorts for the gym =(
........................Damnit*
CaptainsLog: calorie Counting addicts =)
So I'm now a member of a gym (again)
....NYSportsClub always looked like the shit on TV.
.....now I'm apart of the shit..Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™...
.. ... ... ...I called last night just 2 ask questions and the dude Marc was M@D co0l..no pressure at all. I decided it was worth getting-rather than my planned laptop.
...it was 29 to joine and $85/month----now I have a distraction from life and my own thoughts (seems like they be takin over sometimes =(
.......
...
..........
......so today I get a call from Cig or Fig (a manager trying 2 set me with my 1 time only FREE training session with a trainer)
...............she was co0l also, but I don't want the session. Or the pressure that will come with it.
.....I just wanna leave work..walk a blox or hope on the train 2 UnionSquare and work out for about an hour then leave....
...all for what I'm paying now.
......anyway I decided 2 just go in on tuesday the 9'th...and see what happens.
......
........
....
.....I'm usually slick with my mouth so if any pressure is put on me 2 get something I don't want. After I tell them (or him) off I'll say
"ohhh and for the Record-you came on a lil strong" with a face expression to rival that of Sammie Davis Juniors =)
...........
.....
.......hmmm..I need new sneakers and shorts for the gym =(
........................Damnit*
....NYSportsClub always looked like the shit on TV.
.....now I'm apart of the shit..Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™...
.. ... ... ...I called last night just 2 ask questions and the dude Marc was M@D co0l..no pressure at all. I decided it was worth getting-rather than my planned laptop.
...it was 29 to joine and $85/month----now I have a distraction from life and my own thoughts (seems like they be takin over sometimes =(
.......
...
..........
......so today I get a call from Cig or Fig (a manager trying 2 set me with my 1 time only FREE training session with a trainer)
...............she was co0l also, but I don't want the session. Or the pressure that will come with it.
.....I just wanna leave work..walk a blox or hope on the train 2 UnionSquare and work out for about an hour then leave....
...all for what I'm paying now.
......anyway I decided 2 just go in on tuesday the 9'th...and see what happens.
......
........
....
.....I'm usually slick with my mouth so if any pressure is put on me 2 get something I don't want. After I tell them (or him) off I'll say
"ohhh and for the Record-you came on a lil strong" with a face expression to rival that of Sammie Davis Juniors =)
...........
.....
.......hmmm..I need new sneakers and shorts for the gym =(
........................Damnit*
CaptainsLog: MEAT WithDrawl :(
....pple never really belong to other pple. Just cause you miss some body doesn't mean you'll get to hug them.
......
....
......
.........
....
..
............
.......
..........I FUCKING miss MEAT.
.....yeah I do. For like the past 2 weex now. Just been on my mind non-stop. Its like I'm an addict going thru withdrawl symptoms.
............it will pass (it has to)
....but for now its here and I tried dealing with it. And how did I go about that?
.....I got a gym memberShip at the NYSportsClub for $85 bux a month / brightest idea I ever had?...maybe not.
...but untill I get to see that smile in person, (or that ass ッ)
......ima distract myself with a treadmil, an eliptical machine and "The devil Wears Prada" DVD ....
....
.........Peace
......
....
......
.........
....
..
............
.......
..........I FUCKING miss MEAT.
.....yeah I do. For like the past 2 weex now. Just been on my mind non-stop. Its like I'm an addict going thru withdrawl symptoms.
............it will pass (it has to)
....but for now its here and I tried dealing with it. And how did I go about that?
.....I got a gym memberShip at the NYSportsClub for $85 bux a month / brightest idea I ever had?...maybe not.
...but untill I get to see that smile in person, (or that ass ッ)
......ima distract myself with a treadmil, an eliptical machine and "The devil Wears Prada" DVD ....
....
.........Peace
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
CaptainsLog: to BirthDay or not to BirthDay?!
Me: wazzup?
X: heyyy "Happy BirthDay"
Me: Thanx...lol
X: what did you do today?
Me: woke at 4:30am....ummm went to work....responded 2 some "Happy B Day texts"......ummm watched TopModel.. Etccc..nuttin speshul
X: ohhh you ok?
Me: eww..don't ask me that..lol ...I'm not a baby I'm fine..you know I don't celebrate my birthday anymore
X: yeah I know....maybe u should just tell me y cause the masses wanna know Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™
Me:..Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™ --another time....I have my reasons.
X: so what gifts you got?
Me: ummm nothing---ohhh my mom made food though. ♂ kept saying ♂ made my favorite food, but what ♂ made wasn't my fav food ...that hurt a lil bit..but I aint let her see that. Feel me?
X: yeah--maybe your too difficult
Me: eww..I'm not...we don't do the gift exchange thing....usually ＄ in a card...or we go out and I pick my shit.......so were gonna set a date..but I'm over it.
X: yet u sound ?...on your birthday....you saidu wasn't expecting anything and that u don't celebrate it and shit...y u sound sooooo stank man?
Me: I realized...that I'm lucky.
I'm alive. Not starving. Has a mom who loves me. A job that pays me upto 16/hour.
Dreams that now seem reachable (thanks to my job)
....and even though some pple woulda wanted gifts and shit---i really wanted a phone call from (blank). =(
.......I'll live. I don't have a choice!
....I'll holla @ you L8a X---ima finish watch this shit then head 2 bed. I'm tired.
X: aight man. And cheer . You gettin paid soon and remember those DolceSneaks you wanted?..u can get emm now.
Me: ohhh yeahhh....when one feels ..Dolce&Gabbana should be the answer...NOTTTTTTT ! ! !
X: retard..Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™ --hit me 2morrow or suttin.
Me: Peace <3
X: heyyy "Happy BirthDay"
Me: Thanx...lol
X: what did you do today?
Me: woke at 4:30am....ummm went to work....responded 2 some "Happy B Day texts"......ummm watched TopModel.. Etccc..nuttin speshul
X: ohhh you ok?
Me: eww..don't ask me that..lol ...I'm not a baby I'm fine..you know I don't celebrate my birthday anymore
X: yeah I know....maybe u should just tell me y cause the masses wanna know Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™
Me:..Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™ --another time....I have my reasons.
X: so what gifts you got?
Me: ummm nothing---ohhh my mom made food though. ♂ kept saying ♂ made my favorite food, but what ♂ made wasn't my fav food ...that hurt a lil bit..but I aint let her see that. Feel me?
X: yeah--maybe your too difficult
Me: eww..I'm not...we don't do the gift exchange thing....usually ＄ in a card...or we go out and I pick my shit.......so were gonna set a date..but I'm over it.
X: yet u sound ?...on your birthday....you saidu wasn't expecting anything and that u don't celebrate it and shit...y u sound sooooo stank man?
Me: I realized...that I'm lucky.
I'm alive. Not starving. Has a mom who loves me. A job that pays me upto 16/hour.
Dreams that now seem reachable (thanks to my job)
....and even though some pple woulda wanted gifts and shit---i really wanted a phone call from (blank). =(
.......I'll live. I don't have a choice!
....I'll holla @ you L8a X---ima finish watch this shit then head 2 bed. I'm tired.
X: aight man. And cheer . You gettin paid soon and remember those DolceSneaks you wanted?..u can get emm now.
Me: ohhh yeahhh....when one feels ..Dolce&Gabbana should be the answer...NOTTTTTTT ! ! !
X: retard..Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™ --hit me 2morrow or suttin.
Me: Peace <3
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