CaptainsLog: I need Change..Now!!!

Don't you just hate when life fux with you?....and aint the worst part of that just waiting for things 2 return back 2 normal?...what's normal anyway???...the real you when no bodies around? Or the you that every 1 can claim they know?!


......so about 2 weex ago...I got my new Blackberry(8820)
....yay me!!! Not really cause the day I got it I was feeling  and like I always do I made a purchase on impulse rather than genuine need....but now that I have it, I can't imagine how I ever lived wit out it..Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™
.....awkwardly about 2 days later I get a text from some 1 I don't know....

Side note...I was being a lazy ass--i was supposed 2 move all my contacts to the new phone, but I kept putting it off....prolly case I decided to also keep my sidekickLX on (pre'paid)....so anyway....

...I get the text--- and had a feeling I knew the person...(obviously since they got my number)
....I sent a text 2 them that read.
"Sup?....who is this?"
....I wasn't thinking when I wrote it at the time that pple might assume I deleted their number from my phone (I would assume the same and would feel bad)
.....after not getting a response, I decided 2 copy the number into my sidekickLX and 5 numbers in the name comes up in my phone....

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...........Peeps-Fre$h.


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.........in life very few pple are special to me..granted every 1 is special in their own way..but I'm touched by this person.

......I figured they were upset so I went 2myspace and sent a lil message along with my sidekick's new number that I use for texting...I got a response......and old fears starting coming back.

...I'm not scared of this person....cause in all honesty...I can't find a single REAL flaw with in them....
Fre$h is: funny, human, synical, bad, loud, quiet, realist, childish, aggressive, goal oriented, proud, educated attractive, hardworking and I could write a million more attributes...but other than the physical what I luv (and I seldom use this word when it comes 2 pple)....is their HEART <3

....SECOND: the smile (and I haven't seen it in person, but the laugh has blown me away already

.....we always make plans and set dates and shit 2 hang....but it never goes the way its supposed to...and this is how its supposed 2 go:

We talk on the phone in our usuall playful yet serious banter...set a date..meet up and bug out or what ever...

......so what's the problem now?...prior to me receiving the text about 2 weex ago we hadn't spoken in about a month...we do hat from time 2 time...and when we start talking again its always like were still connected...

........within that month or so we hadn't spoke...a lot of shit has happend...

....main 1 being my job...I'm still employed...going on 3 months buttttt they put me at 3 days a week....mind u I get paid paid every 2 weex and taxes is a bitch...so is my bills and other shit....

....sure I can squander  the money to hang....but ow that I been contacted all I can think about is that smile in person---and what clouds that is my personal issues with myself.


.....I haven't had the time 2 work out like I should....I'm no 400pound person..but I know how I'm supposed 2 lo0k...and 6'2 210 aint it...and lets be real..its prolly 225 by now (pple say I don't lo0k it..but I feel like I lo0k worse)


.....I feel intimidated...that some 1 I'm so fond of and shit would actually wanna hang with me...I don't even wanna hang with me right now.

...I peeped some new photos from their myspace page..and it seems like they got more attractive---better health etccc
..happy...I don't wanna ruin that---and usually I can fake confidence pretty well but I don't want to that's a lot of work...and Fre$h aint stupid....

.....I have reached a point where I can be honest with myself about what I'm about 2 say.....

....when ever I get depressed (cause I prolly suffer from depression)....I gain weight..and once that starts...I get upset and give up...and once I give up I gain more weight and I feel more bad and I wanna be left alone.......then 1 day I'll wake up decided I need 2 get better and lose weight the un'healthy but incredibly fast wayyyyyyyyyyy.....I prolly have an eating disorder but who really knows?!......

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.......and I know it seems like I'm blowing this wayyyyyy out of proportion but my mind worx the way it wants 2...I can't help it.

..Fre$h if u ever read this...you now know what I wanted 2 say 2 u but couldn't...I don't feel confident because you make me weak.....I can't hang wit u because I don't know how 2 even stand hangin wt myself....I wouldn't be able 2 make you laugh the way I normaly do because on the inside I'd be thinking of ways to lo0k better in your eyes...etcccccc


...my eyes are a lil watery right now...I'm not crying or anything..cause I don't do that...I don't really know y I can't keep emm dry ....


...either wayyy I just sent 2 text's to Fre$H....its 7:41pm july 14'th 2008 ......I'm goin 2 bed at 8:30pm ....and I'm not expecting a response...I don't deserve one.

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.......I dunno how 2 end this fucking entry...so I won't and when I'm 100percent better...I'll come back and continue it..or I'll leave it in the past...either way...its off my chest now and I can breath a lil bit easier....sorta.