My father is in the Hospital...

My father is in the Hospital...

I don't even know where to begin this entry as far as how to start it....
....so I'll start with when I got the call and a lil background info as well:
....a little after 1 o'clock today I called my moms just to say hi......after letting me say "hi" she cut me off and told me my sister (who's now about 8months pregnant) was a crying a little earlier. And of course that's not good for the baby and I knew if my mother was sharing this with me there was more to come. She asked me if I was listening to her and I said "Yes - hurry up because I'm not on break and not supposed to be on the phone"
....she said "it" bluntly"
...my father is sick and last night they took him t the hospital.
....I asked how she knew and she told me that his sister had called her. The whole time my mom and my aunt was talking, my sister was listening.....now if you don't know (and I know you don't) it should be said that she luvs her daddy...she's a daddies girl in every way possible...it was already bothering her that he's in Florida and wouldn't be able to come to her baby shower in December, but to now have to go thru this ???..its too much for her....rather than call her I decided to not call her ad let her cry all she wants---i couldn't stand to hear her sobs.
.......after I hung up. I started thinking about him and the 2 yeas I lived with him when I was in elementary school.
.....first thought was the way he laughed. A lot of pple used to say I laughed like him. I always dismissed it. I thought of how he walked into a room, how he looked when he was thinking and how he ate, how he was when he was angry and how he used to love to find any excuse to tell a child hood story. I thought about how he could speak Latin and I always felt a little stupid near him. I remembered how he used to always leave about 2 buttons un'done on his shirt and I always said I would never do that and now I do. I remember how I was jealous of my sister. That's where the problems began. It always seemed like I couldn't compete..I'm older than her and yet felt small....it was bad enough my grandmother never really treated us the same and that irked me, but to feel that from my father pushed me away from him.
....that last time I seen him in person I was about 12 or 13. And I did that on purpose. Avoiding him when ever he would come over to visit, and when ever he would call.
....I'm in my twenties now and its just baffling how I I thought I was done with him and it took hearing this to realize I'm not.
....while remembering all these things my eyes started to water. I didn't want t cry because obviously I'm at work and I hate crying. So I usually don't. Then before I knew it the teas had built soo much they were almost running out. I had to go out into the cold air and look up at the sky in hopes they would sink back in.
.......I guess it hurts because I never called him "Dad"....
...I now think of how cool it would be to call him up and probably say something like " hey DAD I'm now a licensed FireGuard" ...or "I got my real estate license"....or just to ask his opinion on something...I didn't any male influences growing up......every mistake I made (and still making) I made and make on my own.
.....I once said if he died I wouldn't even attend his funeral and now I'm wishing god would take me first.
...I wouldn't make it thru the funeral...let along the rest of my life with out him.
...
...I thought I was punishing him but not speaking to him but obviously I'm feeling it now...
.....apart of me wants to call the hospital he's in and ask if he's going to be ok. And apart of me is scared....thing about him is that he's always forgiving.
....I know he'd talk to me if I called him, but I don't know where to even begin...I feel like a lot has fallen on my shoulders already as far as work and life in general and now to make a mends with my sick father?....
....he used to carry me on his shoulders when I was little...
...bought me my first bike when I was 9.
........taught me how to pray before going to sleep.
...fuckkk I'm crying now....I'm writing this in my bathroom
....about 10min has passed by because I can't control myself...I feel like he's dead and I didn't get a chance to say anything to him...
......I don't know what's wrong, but my cousin told me he was on medication and stopped taking them a few months ago.
.......maybe he didn't have the money or maybe he just didn't want to live the rest of his life taking meds....I feel that way.
..........every1 is eating dinner and I'm prolly going to skip it and head straight t my room.
....I want to ask what hospital he's in but my sister has finally calmed down and I don't want to upset her....I'll just stay here. Alone with my memories of my dad... alone with my emotions and tears and un controllable shaking, and headache.....I feel like dying.
....Happy "FUCKING" Halloween???
.........yeah Right !!!!