Don't you just hate when life fux with you?....and aint the worst part of that just waiting for things 2 return back 2 normal?...what's normal anyway???...the real you when no bodies around? Or the you that every 1 can claim they know?!
......so about 2 weex ago...I got my new Blackberry(8820)
....yay me!!! Not really cause the day I got it I was feeling and like I always do I made a purchase on impulse rather than genuine need....but now that I have it, I can't imagine how I ever lived wit out it..Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™
.....awkwardly about 2 days later I get a text from some 1 I don't know....
Side note...I was being a lazy ass--i was supposed 2 move all my contacts to the new phone, but I kept putting it off....prolly case I decided to also keep my sidekickLX on (pre'paid)....so anyway....
...I get the text--- and had a feeling I knew the person...(obviously since they got my number)
....I sent a text 2 them that read.
"Sup?....who is this?"
....I wasn't thinking when I wrote it at the time that pple might assume I deleted their number from my phone (I would assume the same and would feel bad)
.....after not getting a response, I decided 2 copy the number into my sidekickLX and 5 numbers in the name comes up in my phone....
.....
.......
...........Peeps-Fre$h.
...
.....
.........in life very few pple are special to me..granted every 1 is special in their own way..but I'm touched by this person.
......I figured they were upset so I went 2myspace and sent a lil message along with my sidekick's new number that I use for texting...I got a response......and old fears starting coming back.
...I'm not scared of this person....cause in all honesty...I can't find a single REAL flaw with in them....
Fre$h is: funny, human, synical, bad, loud, quiet, realist, childish, aggressive, goal oriented, proud, educated attractive, hardworking and I could write a million more attributes...but other than the physical what I luv (and I seldom use this word when it comes 2 pple)....is their HEART <3
....SECOND: the smile (and I haven't seen it in person, but the laugh has blown me away already
.....we always make plans and set dates and shit 2 hang....but it never goes the way its supposed to...and this is how its supposed 2 go:
We talk on the phone in our usuall playful yet serious banter...set a date..meet up and bug out or what ever...
......so what's the problem now?...prior to me receiving the text about 2 weex ago we hadn't spoken in about a month...we do hat from time 2 time...and when we start talking again its always like were still connected...
........within that month or so we hadn't spoke...a lot of shit has happend...
....main 1 being my job...I'm still employed...going on 3 months buttttt they put me at 3 days a week....mind u I get paid paid every 2 weex and taxes is a bitch...so is my bills and other shit....
....sure I can squander the money to hang....but ow that I been contacted all I can think about is that smile in person---and what clouds that is my personal issues with myself.
.....I haven't had the time 2 work out like I should....I'm no 400pound person..but I know how I'm supposed 2 lo0k...and 6'2 210 aint it...and lets be real..its prolly 225 by now (pple say I don't lo0k it..but I feel like I lo0k worse)
.....I feel intimidated...that some 1 I'm so fond of and shit would actually wanna hang with me...I don't even wanna hang with me right now.
...I peeped some new photos from their myspace page..and it seems like they got more attractive---better health etccc
..happy...I don't wanna ruin that---and usually I can fake confidence pretty well but I don't want to that's a lot of work...and Fre$h aint stupid....
.....I have reached a point where I can be honest with myself about what I'm about 2 say.....
....when ever I get depressed (cause I prolly suffer from depression)....I gain weight..and once that starts...I get upset and give up...and once I give up I gain more weight and I feel more bad and I wanna be left alone.......then 1 day I'll wake up decided I need 2 get better and lose weight the un'healthy but incredibly fast wayyyyyyyyyyy.....I prolly have an eating disorder but who really knows?!......
...
....
..
.......and I know it seems like I'm blowing this wayyyyyy out of proportion but my mind worx the way it wants 2...I can't help it.
..Fre$h if u ever read this...you now know what I wanted 2 say 2 u but couldn't...I don't feel confident because you make me weak.....I can't hang wit u because I don't know how 2 even stand hangin wt myself....I wouldn't be able 2 make you laugh the way I normaly do because on the inside I'd be thinking of ways to lo0k better in your eyes...etcccccc
...my eyes are a lil watery right now...I'm not crying or anything..cause I don't do that...I don't really know y I can't keep emm dry ....
...either wayyy I just sent 2 text's to Fre$H....its 7:41pm july 14'th 2008 ......I'm goin 2 bed at 8:30pm ....and I'm not expecting a response...I don't deserve one.
......
....
...
....
...
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.....
.......I dunno how 2 end this fucking entry...so I won't and when I'm 100percent better...I'll come back and continue it..or I'll leave it in the past...either way...its off my chest now and I can breath a lil bit easier....sorta.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Sunday, June 1, 2008
CaptainsLog: change of hearts and Pple
Its soooooo weird reading old entries.
......I'm usually more Vulgar in person. So I'm suprised their's no explicit talk...I guess I'm growin up :)
....a couple of entries/weeks ago I wrote about getting my new job.
.......near the end of the entry I wrote about take a friend out (now that I'm gettin PiZzaid) and showing them how much I Pre'Shate them.
.........I'm usually mad creative with gifts and surprises (you'll see)....so I had planned this bomb ass outing.
....
.......
.........we haven't spoken in about a month.
....I dunno what I did wrong (but obviously I have done something)...
...everytime we have plans to hang...something comes on my end and theirs....but ofcourse I gotta take the guilt for it.
....here's a lil example of how a convo went between us
Them: wanna hang on monday?
Me: sure but after 12pm though
Them: co0l cause I gotta go 2 the DMV in the morn anyway. We'll meet for a coffee or suttin.
Me: sounds co0l.
....
.......
.........
............
.................
....................
................
...........
.......
....
..
.......that day I checked in a few times...2-3 text's and finally with a phone call wayyyy later on that night..that's went like this>>
Me: so what happend?...I texted u and stuff.
Them: yeah I was cleaning.
Me: how was the DMV?
Them: I aint even go.
....
.......
...........
....now I might seem stalkerLish but I had already been quiet nervous about hangin out anyway..but was sorta lookin forward to it.
...since then its like we both just sorta started distancing ourselves from each other..I would send a text every now and then...I got some responses and none at times...I'm gonna stop now.
......1 day we'll hang*
**that day is just not now or 2morrow.
....I gotta be at 4:10am (4:30am is not enough time for me 2 get ready to leave by 5:30 :(
..........................
Current Mo0d: Brave
......I'm usually more Vulgar in person. So I'm suprised their's no explicit talk...I guess I'm growin up :)
....a couple of entries/weeks ago I wrote about getting my new job.
.......near the end of the entry I wrote about take a friend out (now that I'm gettin PiZzaid) and showing them how much I Pre'Shate them.
.........I'm usually mad creative with gifts and surprises (you'll see)....so I had planned this bomb ass outing.
....
.......
.........we haven't spoken in about a month.
....I dunno what I did wrong (but obviously I have done something)...
...everytime we have plans to hang...something comes on my end and theirs....but ofcourse I gotta take the guilt for it.
....here's a lil example of how a convo went between us
Them: wanna hang on monday?
Me: sure but after 12pm though
Them: co0l cause I gotta go 2 the DMV in the morn anyway. We'll meet for a coffee or suttin.
Me: sounds co0l.
....
.......
.........
............
.................
....................
................
...........
.......
....
..
.......that day I checked in a few times...2-3 text's and finally with a phone call wayyyy later on that night..that's went like this>>
Me: so what happend?...I texted u and stuff.
Them: yeah I was cleaning.
Me: how was the DMV?
Them: I aint even go.
....
.......
...........
....now I might seem stalkerLish but I had already been quiet nervous about hangin out anyway..but was sorta lookin forward to it.
...since then its like we both just sorta started distancing ourselves from each other..I would send a text every now and then...I got some responses and none at times...I'm gonna stop now.
......1 day we'll hang*
**that day is just not now or 2morrow.
....I gotta be at 4:10am (4:30am is not enough time for me 2 get ready to leave by 5:30 :(
..........................
Current Mo0d: Brave
CaptainsLog: calorie Counting addicts =)
So I'm now a member of a gym (again)
....NYSportsClub always looked like the shit on TV.
.....now I'm apart of the shit..Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™...
.. ... ... ...I called last night just 2 ask questions and the dude Marc was M@D co0l..no pressure at all. I decided it was worth getting-rather than my planned laptop.
...it was 29 to joine and $85/month----now I have a distraction from life and my own thoughts (seems like they be takin over sometimes =(
.......
...
..........
......so today I get a call from Cig or Fig (a manager trying 2 set me with my 1 time only FREE training session with a trainer)
...............she was co0l also, but I don't want the session. Or the pressure that will come with it.
.....I just wanna leave work..walk a blox or hope on the train 2 UnionSquare and work out for about an hour then leave....
...all for what I'm paying now.
......anyway I decided 2 just go in on tuesday the 9'th...and see what happens.
......
........
....
.....I'm usually slick with my mouth so if any pressure is put on me 2 get something I don't want. After I tell them (or him) off I'll say
"ohhh and for the Record-you came on a lil strong" with a face expression to rival that of Sammie Davis Juniors =)
...........
.....
.......hmmm..I need new sneakers and shorts for the gym =(
........................Damnit*
....NYSportsClub always looked like the shit on TV.
.....now I'm apart of the shit..Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™...
.. ... ... ...I called last night just 2 ask questions and the dude Marc was M@D co0l..no pressure at all. I decided it was worth getting-rather than my planned laptop.
...it was 29 to joine and $85/month----now I have a distraction from life and my own thoughts (seems like they be takin over sometimes =(
.......
...
..........
......so today I get a call from Cig or Fig (a manager trying 2 set me with my 1 time only FREE training session with a trainer)
...............she was co0l also, but I don't want the session. Or the pressure that will come with it.
.....I just wanna leave work..walk a blox or hope on the train 2 UnionSquare and work out for about an hour then leave....
...all for what I'm paying now.
......anyway I decided 2 just go in on tuesday the 9'th...and see what happens.
......
........
....
.....I'm usually slick with my mouth so if any pressure is put on me 2 get something I don't want. After I tell them (or him) off I'll say
"ohhh and for the Record-you came on a lil strong" with a face expression to rival that of Sammie Davis Juniors =)
...........
.....
.......hmmm..I need new sneakers and shorts for the gym =(
........................Damnit*
CaptainsLog: calorie Counting addicts =)
So I'm now a member of a gym (again)
....NYSportsClub always looked like the shit on TV.
.....now I'm apart of the shit..Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™...
.. ... ... ...I called last night just 2 ask questions and the dude Marc was M@D co0l..no pressure at all. I decided it was worth getting-rather than my planned laptop.
...it was 29 to joine and $85/month----now I have a distraction from life and my own thoughts (seems like they be takin over sometimes =(
.......
...
..........
......so today I get a call from Cig or Fig (a manager trying 2 set me with my 1 time only FREE training session with a trainer)
...............she was co0l also, but I don't want the session. Or the pressure that will come with it.
.....I just wanna leave work..walk a blox or hope on the train 2 UnionSquare and work out for about an hour then leave....
...all for what I'm paying now.
......anyway I decided 2 just go in on tuesday the 9'th...and see what happens.
......
........
....
.....I'm usually slick with my mouth so if any pressure is put on me 2 get something I don't want. After I tell them (or him) off I'll say
"ohhh and for the Record-you came on a lil strong" with a face expression to rival that of Sammie Davis Juniors =)
...........
.....
.......hmmm..I need new sneakers and shorts for the gym =(
........................Damnit*
....NYSportsClub always looked like the shit on TV.
.....now I'm apart of the shit..Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™...
.. ... ... ...I called last night just 2 ask questions and the dude Marc was M@D co0l..no pressure at all. I decided it was worth getting-rather than my planned laptop.
...it was 29 to joine and $85/month----now I have a distraction from life and my own thoughts (seems like they be takin over sometimes =(
.......
...
..........
......so today I get a call from Cig or Fig (a manager trying 2 set me with my 1 time only FREE training session with a trainer)
...............she was co0l also, but I don't want the session. Or the pressure that will come with it.
.....I just wanna leave work..walk a blox or hope on the train 2 UnionSquare and work out for about an hour then leave....
...all for what I'm paying now.
......anyway I decided 2 just go in on tuesday the 9'th...and see what happens.
......
........
....
.....I'm usually slick with my mouth so if any pressure is put on me 2 get something I don't want. After I tell them (or him) off I'll say
"ohhh and for the Record-you came on a lil strong" with a face expression to rival that of Sammie Davis Juniors =)
...........
.....
.......hmmm..I need new sneakers and shorts for the gym =(
........................Damnit*
CaptainsLog: MEAT WithDrawl :(
....pple never really belong to other pple. Just cause you miss some body doesn't mean you'll get to hug them.
......
....
......
.........
....
..
............
.......
..........I FUCKING miss MEAT.
.....yeah I do. For like the past 2 weex now. Just been on my mind non-stop. Its like I'm an addict going thru withdrawl symptoms.
............it will pass (it has to)
....but for now its here and I tried dealing with it. And how did I go about that?
.....I got a gym memberShip at the NYSportsClub for $85 bux a month / brightest idea I ever had?...maybe not.
...but untill I get to see that smile in person, (or that ass ッ)
......ima distract myself with a treadmil, an eliptical machine and "The devil Wears Prada" DVD ....
....
.........Peace
......
....
......
.........
....
..
............
.......
..........I FUCKING miss MEAT.
.....yeah I do. For like the past 2 weex now. Just been on my mind non-stop. Its like I'm an addict going thru withdrawl symptoms.
............it will pass (it has to)
....but for now its here and I tried dealing with it. And how did I go about that?
.....I got a gym memberShip at the NYSportsClub for $85 bux a month / brightest idea I ever had?...maybe not.
...but untill I get to see that smile in person, (or that ass ッ)
......ima distract myself with a treadmil, an eliptical machine and "The devil Wears Prada" DVD ....
....
.........Peace
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
CaptainsLog: to BirthDay or not to BirthDay?!
Me: wazzup?
X: heyyy "Happy BirthDay"
Me: Thanx...lol
X: what did you do today?
Me: woke at 4:30am....ummm went to work....responded 2 some "Happy B Day texts"......ummm watched TopModel.. Etccc..nuttin speshul
X: ohhh you ok?
Me: eww..don't ask me that..lol ...I'm not a baby I'm fine..you know I don't celebrate my birthday anymore
X: yeah I know....maybe u should just tell me y cause the masses wanna know Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™
Me:..Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™ --another time....I have my reasons.
X: so what gifts you got?
Me: ummm nothing---ohhh my mom made food though. ♂ kept saying ♂ made my favorite food, but what ♂ made wasn't my fav food ...that hurt a lil bit..but I aint let her see that. Feel me?
X: yeah--maybe your too difficult
Me: eww..I'm not...we don't do the gift exchange thing....usually ＄ in a card...or we go out and I pick my shit.......so were gonna set a date..but I'm over it.
X: yet u sound ?...on your birthday....you saidu wasn't expecting anything and that u don't celebrate it and shit...y u sound sooooo stank man?
Me: I realized...that I'm lucky.
I'm alive. Not starving. Has a mom who loves me. A job that pays me upto 16/hour.
Dreams that now seem reachable (thanks to my job)
....and even though some pple woulda wanted gifts and shit---i really wanted a phone call from (blank). =(
.......I'll live. I don't have a choice!
....I'll holla @ you L8a X---ima finish watch this shit then head 2 bed. I'm tired.
X: aight man. And cheer . You gettin paid soon and remember those DolceSneaks you wanted?..u can get emm now.
Me: ohhh yeahhh....when one feels ..Dolce&Gabbana should be the answer...NOTTTTTTT ! ! !
X: retard..Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™ --hit me 2morrow or suttin.
Me: Peace <3
X: heyyy "Happy BirthDay"
Me: Thanx...lol
X: what did you do today?
Me: woke at 4:30am....ummm went to work....responded 2 some "Happy B Day texts"......ummm watched TopModel.. Etccc..nuttin speshul
X: ohhh you ok?
Me: eww..don't ask me that..lol ...I'm not a baby I'm fine..you know I don't celebrate my birthday anymore
X: yeah I know....maybe u should just tell me y cause the masses wanna know Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™
Me:..Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™ --another time....I have my reasons.
X: so what gifts you got?
Me: ummm nothing---ohhh my mom made food though. ♂ kept saying ♂ made my favorite food, but what ♂ made wasn't my fav food ...that hurt a lil bit..but I aint let her see that. Feel me?
X: yeah--maybe your too difficult
Me: eww..I'm not...we don't do the gift exchange thing....usually ＄ in a card...or we go out and I pick my shit.......so were gonna set a date..but I'm over it.
X: yet u sound ?...on your birthday....you saidu wasn't expecting anything and that u don't celebrate it and shit...y u sound sooooo stank man?
Me: I realized...that I'm lucky.
I'm alive. Not starving. Has a mom who loves me. A job that pays me upto 16/hour.
Dreams that now seem reachable (thanks to my job)
....and even though some pple woulda wanted gifts and shit---i really wanted a phone call from (blank). =(
.......I'll live. I don't have a choice!
....I'll holla @ you L8a X---ima finish watch this shit then head 2 bed. I'm tired.
X: aight man. And cheer . You gettin paid soon and remember those DolceSneaks you wanted?..u can get emm now.
Me: ohhh yeahhh....when one feels ..Dolce&Gabbana should be the answer...NOTTTTTTT ! ! !
X: retard..Ｌ(ッ)Ｌ™ --hit me 2morrow or suttin.
Me: Peace <3
Friday, May 2, 2008
CaptainsLog::Liar-Liar
Y do people lie?
...I would have 2 say that pple lie to keep from hurting some one(s)
.....spare themselves embarassment
...........defense Mechanism
....habitual
............................................................................................................................
So 2night some 1 lied to me.
...I knew they were lying...and I woulda said something, but opted not 2.
....because frankly this person lies all the time...and not in a "second nature" kind of way......the sole purpose of these lies are to make the person they are dating look G☆★D in my eyes.
When did I ever carry sooo much power?....I could care less who a friend dates...I care even lesser whe its not really a G☆★D friends of mines dating some 1 one..and their lying to make their Shit'tabulous relationship seem like a fairy tale unraveling in brooklyn.
........it was difficult hearing the lie over and over again..and being there as this person chose to be so kind and tell the same lie to another friend...Recycling lies! ...NOT CUTE!!!!!!
.......*SIGH*---If your dating some 1 just based on looks...that's fine..ifyour dating some 1 because their dating you b ased on your looks, fine.
...just for sex?
........probably even a better reason to stick with them
..just for money? That's your choice
.......to hurt some one else?
That's a little evil..but the point is
WHO GIVES A SHIT???
I DON'T.
Just be happy...that's all that matters.....if you keep claimiung your dating some 1 wonderful and shit and they are never with you then people will looks at you and think what???..that's your lyin. And if your co0l with that..so am I.
......I like games...I'll play along.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh......this blog has been ummm..aight..I can't add a default pic 2 my profile thanx 2 this SideKick...I hate that....anyway...I will be writing in conversation form next entry..and probably here on out.....I luv being the captain----but it gets lonely..a convo between buddies should keep my interest...
...ughhhhhhh 3 entries in 1 night...I'm tired...
....fur'wheel son ! ! !
......domestic violence.
Cute on the "LIFETIME" channel...not sooo CUTE on your Face.
...I would have 2 say that pple lie to keep from hurting some one(s)
.....spare themselves embarassment
...........defense Mechanism
....habitual
............................................................................................................................
So 2night some 1 lied to me.
...I knew they were lying...and I woulda said something, but opted not 2.
....because frankly this person lies all the time...and not in a "second nature" kind of way......the sole purpose of these lies are to make the person they are dating look G☆★D in my eyes.
When did I ever carry sooo much power?....I could care less who a friend dates...I care even lesser whe its not really a G☆★D friends of mines dating some 1 one..and their lying to make their Shit'tabulous relationship seem like a fairy tale unraveling in brooklyn.
........it was difficult hearing the lie over and over again..and being there as this person chose to be so kind and tell the same lie to another friend...Recycling lies! ...NOT CUTE!!!!!!
.......*SIGH*---If your dating some 1 just based on looks...that's fine..ifyour dating some 1 because their dating you b ased on your looks, fine.
...just for sex?
........probably even a better reason to stick with them
..just for money? That's your choice
.......to hurt some one else?
That's a little evil..but the point is
WHO GIVES A SHIT???
I DON'T.
Just be happy...that's all that matters.....if you keep claimiung your dating some 1 wonderful and shit and they are never with you then people will looks at you and think what???..that's your lyin. And if your co0l with that..so am I.
......I like games...I'll play along.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh......this blog has been ummm..aight..I can't add a default pic 2 my profile thanx 2 this SideKick...I hate that....anyway...I will be writing in conversation form next entry..and probably here on out.....I luv being the captain----but it gets lonely..a convo between buddies should keep my interest...
...ughhhhhhh 3 entries in 1 night...I'm tired...
....fur'wheel son ! ! !
......domestic violence.
Cute on the "LIFETIME" channel...not sooo CUTE on your Face.
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